


The faint whispers of a caged bird

by gravityplant



Series: The faint whispers of a caged bird [au] [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Anxiety, Barista Dan Howell, Baristas, Celebrity Phil, Depression, Getting Together, Homophobia, M/M, Strangers to Lovers, mentions of food, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21663547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravityplant/pseuds/gravityplant
Summary: After being offered a room in Phil's house things starts to change. Dan's old life seems to have caught up in his footsteps. Phil acts strange and it seems there's more to him than Dan first thought. Dan seems to have set something in motion, faint whispers which have been buried for so long.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Original Female Character(s), Dan Howell/Original Male Character(s), Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Phil Lester/Original Female Character(s)
Series: The faint whispers of a caged bird [au] [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1510295
Comments: 44
Kudos: 22





	1. A new beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: phuzzyphan, Thank you for helping me with this project. You're always so fun to work with :)!
> 
> A/N: And finally here it is my first slowburn fic :D I hope y'all like it!

The doorbell rings through Dan's apartment. Dan puts down the teacup he's holding on one of the moving boxes standing in the entryway. The boxes are placed just far enough apart for someone to be able to squeeze into the apartment through the door.

He grips the handle and opens the door, careful not to knock it into the boxes. Phil stands there, hands in the pocket of his big black hoodie and blue eyes filled with a glint of interest.

Dan smiles at him politely, nodding for him to get in, and warning him about the boxes last minute ("careful!")

Phil's eyes widen considerably as his eyes dart first to the boxes then to Dan. When Dan gives him a half-smirk he catches a gentle pull of the corner of Phil's mouth. A swell of pride blossoms up in Dan's chest, wildflowers of dedication to make friends with someone new.

Phil lowers his hood reluctantly, fingering the hem of it between his fingertips for a long while, almost as if he has commitment issues with it.

He let go of it suddenly, looking a little rosy on the cheeks. As he begins looking around the place, turnings his head he comments "wow it's sparse."

Dan doesn't know if he should be offended or not. He's not, but the statement rings rudely in his ears. He shakes it off laughing a little. "A student home at its finest," he jokes. Phil stays silent and Dan can't help but feel a tad sad that he didn't laugh or even acknowledge the joke.

Dan brushes it off though. Phil has- after all, offered him a place to stay for free. The best thing he can do is keep up with his manners, at least. Phil's eyes sweep over all the nooks and crannies of Dan's hallway.

Dan waves for him to follow him as he walks into his bedroom. "So... this is my bedroom" Dan says, awkwardly sweeping his arm out over the room in an attempt to appear welcoming.

Phil nods. "Quite cramped." He buries his hands in his pockets again, looking a bit fidgety.

"It is," Dan mutters. He's beginning to feel a bit irritated about Phil's comments. "But it's my appartment, you know?" he says, because it's true. It's been his little hideout for so long he's started to consider it as a home. A place where he can hide away from the world. It feels almost devastating leaving it. Like ripping away his safe zone in exchange for a shared one with an arrogant Phil. What happened to the friendly Phil that offered him a place to stay? Was that only a facade? Dan earnestly hopes that isn't the case.

Phil just nods distantly, and buries his hands in the back pockets of his jeans. "I do remember having that exact feeling when I moved out of my parents' house to my first apartment."

"Yeah?" Dan looks up at him and Phil meets his gaze for a moment before downcasting his eyes, nodding his head slowly.

Dan walks over to the middle of the room, where a couple more boxes are piled on each other. "I've packed everything," he mumbles with his back facing Phil. He swipes his hand over the corrugated paper, feeling the texture of it against his fingertips. He sighs. This whole process of packing up everything he owns and leaving is not only physically difficult, but also mentally.

As he was packing, he found a photo album with pictures of his family and some childhood friends and Dan couldn't help but think he looked happier back then. Without the burden of the world and work, when no one expected more from him than to play outside.

There are several old photos of mates, but what catches his eyes is the one with him and his ex-girlfriend, Esme. They're smiling to the camera and sticking out their tongues. They're standing outside in the forest, wearing quilted jackets, backpacks, and salopettes.

She was a massive sports freak and loved hiking. Dan used to follow with her occasionally, though he wasn't a big fan of the long walks in the middle of nowhere. He missed the connection with the city and all the conveniences accompanying it. Which he guesses is rather weird, considering he's an introvert and the forest is pretty much deserted.

He remembers not being that nice to her, conflicted in his own emotions.

She wasn't too friendly towards him either at that time. Dan suspects it was because she was frustrated with him. She wanted to know what was up with him and he couldn't tell her, wasn't ready to face it.

She would've probably been angry with him for lying to her. The love he felt for her just wasn't the same type she felt for him.

Dan feels bad for having used her as a coverup, but not for spending time with her. He genuinely enjoyed her company.

He realises that she'd feel used and taken advantage of, but he hopes she'd also realised how hard it was for Dan to be honest to her about his sexuality. He'd been conditioned with the perception that homosexuality was wrong, and that wicked little thorn was buried deep.

Dan thinks she'd probably be accepting after the anger had settled, but he never found out because he never told her.

Sometimes, he thinks about calling her to disentangle the whole thing so they can become as close as they were before, only platonic, of course. He misses her in his life. Other times he wonders if it hasn't been too long for him to call her. Maybe she doesn't care at all anymore, or simply doesn't want to talk to Dan.

Phil does a thumbs up. "Good." Then he starts walking towards the hallway. "The movers should be here soon, Laura called them this morning," Phil throws over his shoulder, words bouncing over to Dan in a confused jumble.

Dan frowns, trying to make sense of it, "Laura?" Dan hasn't heard him mention the name before. Dan finds it a bit weird that Phil has told him virtually zero of how the moving process will officiate. Maybe Laura is Phil's girlfriend? But Dan's pretty certain Phil would've told him if there was someone else in the house... Maybe she's living somewhere else?

Phil blinks at him. "She's... uh, my friend," he says fumbling over his words. Okay, Dan thinks, so maybe an unofficial couple? Why does he care, even? It's not like it's his business whether they are together or not. But for some reason, he feels a bit sad suddenly. He shakes his head, trying to shake off the feeling. Phil waves for him to come with him, he says they'll drive over to the house now. It's going to be the first time Dan sees "his" new home.

-

The view is full of greenery, saving for the strip of grey road ahead of Phil's car. Dan looks up between luscious trees tops spotting an empty sky with the dispensation from a flock of birds of passage. They look so free up there above, looking down on the world. It must be easier when you have a mission in life that is executed every year. It must be much simpler being in charge of your path, owning your own life.

They're not bound to this earth life like Dan, they don't have to work to survive- well, except for when they hunt for food he guesses. But still, they're in charge of it. Dan's just stuck in a never-ending cycle. Or he _has_ been, he guesses. Ever since Phil run into him, Dan's life has been tilted.

He wants alternation, a chance at a new life- but he's scared of it. There's a safety in being miserable. A safety in never trying.

But if Dan doesn't try... what if fate takes his chance back? Not that he believes in fate...

Dan sighs, leaning his head against the window. Phil turns his head to look at him. "You can turn on the radio if you want," he comments before looking back on the road. Dan gazes over at Phil taking in his slumped position behind the wheel. He's wearing a light blue t-shirt and on his pale arms freckles are dotted all over. Dan has always thought freckles are pretty, which is kind of weird thinking about it because they're just specks on skin. How can one find that enticing?

Phil is wearing black sunglasses covering his big blue eyes and he's biting his rosy lips in concentration.

Dan looks over at the radio, frowning. He's no clue how it works and he feels too abashed over it to ask Phil. He studies it though not giving up just yet. This is the thing with technology, he never was good at it. It probably has something to do with his family never being able to afford any devices when he was younger.

He has a phone now, though, that he'd managed to save up for. It's not the latest version or anything fancy like that, but it really helps him keep in contact with his friends. And for once his boss can actually call him if it's something urgent- not that that a conversation with his boss is a pleasant experience.

Phil glances over at Dan with a puzzled look on his face. "Do you want me to put it on?" Dan must've taken too long, captivated in his own thoughts. Phil must think he's weird for not turning it on immediately.

Dan nods his head in defeat, mumbling "uh, sure," under his breath. Phil nods. He presses a button and a soft pleasant strum of a guitar fills the car. Dan is left with a feeling of embarrassment tumbling around in his stomach with every little turn of the car.

He doesn't say anything to Phil. He doesn't know what to talk to him about, this whole crazy life exchange thing has been strange enough for him to have to gather his thoughts first.

The moment Phil had walked out of that hospital room, the first thing Dan wanted was to pick up his phone and dial his mum's number. But he couldn't induce himself to tell her he'd failed to manage to pay his rent. Because he knows the subject would come up after the shock has settled.

Plus, he just can't bear her worried voice, or the looming presence of his father expecting success from him, when all he's managed to do is tearing up a black hole underneath his feet devouring him and their expectations effortlessly.

So he's ignoring his want, blurring it over with the mixed emotions of living with someone else for the first time ever.

"We'll be there soon, it's just around those trees," Phil points, and Dan nods, silently observing the road ahead with an intense stare.

The moment the trees make way for the car and the splendid view of a big mansion reveals itself, Dan gasps unable to contain a "Wow Phil, your house is gorgeous!"

The corner of Phil's lips pulls upwards. "She is, isn't she?"

Dan just nods eagerly.

-

Dan pulls open the door, looking down at the gravel-covered ground before he tentatively sets down a first foot. He steps out in a courtyard and closes the black car door carefully after himself.

He looks up at the house, it's a massive mansion with a dark facade. It looks almost surreal, standing there amongst the surrounding nature. All around the base of the mansion runs hedges with flowers in bloom. It's utterly ridiculous, yet Dan can't help but stare, forgetting to as much as scoff.

When he's torn his eyes away, he spots someone standing a few meters in front of them. A woman in a light blue topcoat with a clipboard pressed between her arm and side. She's really pretty, with straight, blonde hair reaching just about to her shoulders. Phil must think she's pretty too...

Just as Phil steps out of the car she calls "Phil!" happily with a warm smile on her round face. She's got a vigorous glint in her grey eyes as she walks up to them.

Phil, to Dan's mild surprise, laughs and throws his arms around her. When they part she says "Good that you two are here, the movers have already begun taking boxes up to his room." She bends her knees for a second, clenching her fingers together into two fists with an excited expression on her face. "So, are you going to introduce your man, ey, Philly?" She smirks, and Dan blinks, confused, looking between the two of them.

Phil's cheeks tinge red and he gives her a death glare for a moment before he points to Dan. "Laura, this is Dan. Dan this is Laura." He meets her gaze and she smiles warmly at him. He gives her an experimental smile.

"Welcome Dan, when I first heard about what happened I couldn't believe it, Phil went outside!?" Dan laughs a little awkwardly at that, uncertain whether she meant it as a joke or not. She smiles broadly at him.

"Oh shush," Phil pipes up from behind her, rolling his eyes. He doesn't seem annoyed by her comment, but rather fond. They must've known each other for a long time.

"Not only _that_ , he managed to befriend someone as well!" she smirks. Well, he's not really Phil's friend. But he's planning on getting to know Phil. It'd be weird to live with him without getting to know him at least a little.

Dan smiles carefully at her, uncertain what kind of answer she wants. She seems to be pleased with what she received, as she plunges out her hand in front of Dan.

"I'm Laura, Phil's manager, it's nice meeting you, I'm glad to know that Phil will have some company, sometimes that house," she points over her shoulder "feels really empty."

Dan frowns, looking over at Phil. His manager- what's that supposed to mean? Phil just shrugs and Dan is left with his thoughts for now. As soon as he has a chance at being alone with Phil, he's gonna ask him what she's a manager for.

Before he has time to end that thought, Laura takes his hand and shakes it vigorously.

"Dan," he mumbles. He catches a glimpse of a golden, expensive-looking watch adorning her arm, poking out just under the sleeve of her jacket.

Suddenly, he feels very out of place in his worn-down sneakers and weathered black jacket. He doesn't belong here, he feels like an elephant on an ice rink.

What if Phil thought he was dirty and regretted ever letting Dan stay. Dan's heart sank in his chest. Stupid, stupid brain, surely Phil would never invite him in the first place if he thought that. He hopes Phil doesn't think of anyone like that. He hopes Phil's better than that.

He'd been so caught up in his own thoughts that he just managed to hear half of her sentence "...I'd love to talk more, Dan, but right now I'm going to have a telephone call that is scheduled in about..." she checks her wrist "five minutes." She waves goodbye and starts walking away from them.

Phil laughs nervously, scratching the nape of his neck. "Sorry for her, she can be a bit intense. But once you get to know her you'll love her, everyone does." Dan's sceptical about the last part but he doesn't say anything. At least Phil was apologising for her. Though Dan would've wanted him to warn him about it beforehand.

But if he's with her maybe he'd think it's fine because 'everybody loves her!' Dan sighs inwardly, why does he feel so passionately about this?

-

The boxes are standing in his room, ready to be unboxed, but Dan is procrastinating that for now, sitting down on the soft bed with an exhale.

He closes his eyes. So much has happened today that it feels like a whole weekend could've gone by without him noticing.

He can't help but remember the photo he found of _her_. He reaches for his phone, slipping it out of his back pocket. He clicks on the green contacts application and presses favourites. He never did remove her from that list. He guesses he felt too guilty to be able to.

He opens her profile, seeing the small circular picture of her. He glances down to the number below. He wonders if she's changed it. There has been some time since, so it's a possibility.

Then he clicks on the picture, it's her smiling broadly towards the camera, she's got her blonde hair braided into a messy side braid and she's holding up a large fish that's she's just caught. He involuntarily smiles a little, he remembers how happy she was when she caught it. She'd looked up at him, whisper-shouting "Dan, I caught it!"

He shakes his head and bites his lip. She was his best friend and now she's a complete stranger. He should forget her. He closes the app and throws his phone on the bed.

Dan breathes in, the smell of food fills his nostrils. His stomach rumbles. With newfound vigour, he springs up from the bed to check out what's smelling so pleasant.

-

When Dan comes down to the kitchen Phil is cooking something. Dan leans against the door frame. "I didn't know you could cook," he states observing Phil in the low-lit kitchen. Phil jumps, clutching his heart agitatedly.

"Dan," he mumbles exhaling through his mouth with a stressed expression on his face.

"Forgot about me already?" Dan jokes giving him a half-smile. It looks a bit sadder than he intended. Is he really that needy that he needs company all the time? Wasn't a whole day spent with Phil enough? Phil must find him so annoying. But to his defence, he just wants to befriend Phil. Is that so wrong?

Phil shakes his head before looking back at the wok in his hand. Dan expected an actual answer maybe an assurance that 'no he hadn't forgotten about Dan'. Ugh, he hates himself, he sounds so needy about it.

He feels stupid. Of course, Phil forgot about him, Phil doesn't go around thinking about Dan. He has a life of his own, probably a partner too. Plus Dan moved in today, it's not like Phil's used to company... he assumes.

"What're you making?" It's a stupid question because he can clearly see what Phil is making but he wants to ask something. It'd be even more awkward to just stand silently in the doorframe. Plus it's not like Phil's inviting him into conversation. Instead, he's very quiet. Dan wonders if it's just as quiet in Phil's mind or if it's racing with thoughts like Dan's.

"Noodles and stir-fried vegetables," Phil answers shortly, not taking his eyes off the food. His hood is down, showcasing Phil's black quiff. The black suits him and contrasts with the white of his skin. Dan wonders if Phil ever wears colour, he's seen Phil three times so far and every time he's worn black from head to toe. Dan shouldn't question it, maybe it's just a fashion choice?

Dan nods slowly walking past Phil in the kitchen to sit on one of the breakfast bar stools. "I hope you like it," Phil says distantly with his back facing Dan.

Dan watches him quietly staring at his back as he moves, a faint smile lights up his features only to be gone the next, leaving the kitchen feeling dark.

-

Dan lays down on his bed. His stomach is full to the brim with noodly goodness and his mind is floating. It's been a long time since he's eaten this well. What's usually on his plate is what he's managed to gather up from his barren fridge. One day it might be a single hotdog and some rice, another a pack of tasteless noodles.

His mind keeps slipping back to the savoury food. Oh god, is Phil good at cooking. Dan wonders where he learned the trick to a perfect meal. Is cooking Phil's passion in life? Maybe that's what's taking up all his time, he recalls Laura offhandedly saying something about Phil rarely being outside.

Laura... he really didn't have enough time to get a good grasp of her personality. As of now he can't help but think of her as annoyingly upbeat. He knows that he can't judge her by the one side he's seen of her. It'd be unfair to her and Phil.

Maybe he's just jealous because they seem to be so close when Phil won't as much as hold a normal conversation with Dan. Is he even trying? He was the one inviting Dan here, so why is he acting so stone-cold all of a sudden?

Dan turns his head to the side in a frustrated huff. He's aware that he's being childish about this but he thought... he thought... that at least someone would want to be his friend. Phil had seemed content in inviting him, Dan doesn't understand.

What has he done wrong? Being stupidly clingy, his mind intervenes. That's probably it... most people are put off by touchy-feely people. Well, so it appears to Dan. People he knows are distant in their affections. Dan recollects the half-hearted hugs from his mum and the stiff nods from his dad.

He reaches up a hand burying it in his own hair. It probably looks stupid but it's comforting, it feels like someone is petting his hair. His hair feels soft in between his fingertips. He sighs drifting off with a frown on his features.


	2. Unwanted letters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: phuzzyphan

Dan tie his shoelaces in a hurry. He's got his wallet and keys in the pockets of his jacket. 

Yesterday, Phil gave him the spare key to the house and showed him on Maps where the nearest bus stop is located. Other than that the day was quiet, he and Phil didn't talk much. 

Dan had needed the day for himself, so he spent most of the time in his new room playing phone games. It could be called procrastinating from unboxing the moving boxes, but he'd prefer to call it a healthy mental hideaway from life's problems.

He's always hated Monday mornings, they've no reason to exist other than being a pain in the butt. Dan's tired of his job really, he wants something else in life. But the thing is, he hasn't quite figured out what. He's not really good at anything specific. And in his baggage lay a few broken dreams. Maybe he should just accept that dreams are all they'll remain. He doesn't need another job, it's more of a want. And right now he should put that aside.

Dan slides the gate open and steps out on a pretty-looking country road. A feeling of delight fills him as nature invites him into its verdant kingdom. 

He reaches for his phone, unlocking it with a press of a finger, opening the local bus app. The next one is expected to arrive in forty-five minutes. Great, that'll mean he's probably going to get on it in time. He recalls Phil mentioning it takes about thirty minutes to the depot from Phil's house.

-

He stands beside the bus sign for a good couple of minutes before the bus arrives. 

The bus driver greets him with a smile and asks if Dan was visiting some relatives. Dan shakes his head saying he just moved into a house quite nigh from here. The driver nods, wishing him a good day. 

A bit dizzy, he sits down in the back of the bus. He's not used to drivers being this friendly. Back in the city, they mostly huff and glare at you the moment you step within their territory. 

This early in the morning, he's the only one on the bus. As he sweeps his gaze over the empty rows of seats he can't help but think it looks a bit apocalyptic. But that is going to be replaced soon with bright lights and the loud buzz of the city.

-

He pours up a cup of coffee for his rumbling stomach. What was he thinking when he went to work without breakfast? He's ravenous! Oh yeah, now he remembers, he lives at Phil's and he hasn't actually gone grocery shopping yet. 

He felt he couldn't eat of Phil's food again, seeing as Phil has been treating him with dinner every evening. Plus, Phil was nowhere to be seen this early in the morning, probably up having his beauty sleep. Dan rolls his eyes internally. 

He wonders what Phil does for a living. Dan's quite curious. Maybe he's a business owner? Though doesn't look the part. But Dan's probably just being stereotypical, he criticizes himself. Phil's probably some sort of business owner, so what if he doesn't wear suits? Who would if they work from home. Granted he does, Dan doesn't know that.

With a sigh, he leans against the wall behind the counter, taking a sip of the coffee. He's tuning in to Eddie and Jimmy's talking with half an ear. His colleagues never seem to cease talking. The shop is opening in ten minutes and he's letting himself have a condign breather before the hectic work hours ahead of him. 

They're chatting about someone named Elisa. Jimmy huffs when Eddie says something and Dan blinks uninterestedly out in the shop. He's just about to take out his phone when he gets interrupted.

Eddie turns to Dan. "Ey, Dan are you comin' to the party next week, on Saturday? I've heard it's goin' to be wicked fun." 

Jimmy rolls his eyes, interposing, "you know he'll be there at least." He points nonchalantly at Eddie. "Apparently, Elisa is coming, she's supposed to be 'super' hot."

Dan glances over at them, putting down his empty cup. He shrugs his shoulders. "I'm pretty sure I'm not invited."

"You don't have to be, anybody's welcome," Eddie says, quirking an eyebrow. "Even you." He crosses his arms, flipping his fringe back with a grin.

"We'll see. Maybe I'll be there," Dan mutters. Feeling like him agreeing was just a bad excuse for making them stop talking.

"Cool, we'll give you the rest of the information at the end of the week," Eddie declares.

"Cool," Dan mutters, not feeling that thrilled about it, if he's being honest. 

-

Dan orders a hamburger and the cashier, a girl with red hair, smiles at him as he takes the tray from her. It looks a bit forced and he can see how tired she is. He can't help but be reminded of how it is working behind one of those desks. It must be because he's just escaped work and he's still in that mindset. 

This shift had been extra tough, he couldn't help but drift away. He couldn't help but remember the ride to Phil's house and those birds flying in the sky. They looked so free and right then, right there and during his shift, he had wished he was one of them instead. 

It took him approximately three seconds to realise that would never be the case, and that the man in garb was glaring angrily at him from the other side of the counter.

After that, he tried to stay more focused until he could finally hang his work clothes and go get something to eat. A hamburger was all he could afford to eat within his budget, all other lunch places were far more expensive.

He must look sad, sitting there in the corner, looking out of the window. It's starting to darken out. He takes another bite out of the hamburger and chews slowly.

The bus ride home is slow, he leans his head against the seat cushion trying to think of something that isn't work. 

He thinks back on Phil and how he's quiet. Dan wonders why he doesn't want to hang out with Dan, or why he at least gives off that vibe? Maybe Phil just needs time?

-

Dan finds him in the kitchen, the loud clicking from the laptop revealed his location. Dan leans against the frame of the door, hands in his hoodie.

"Hi."

Phil looks up, his blue eyes catching Dan through the glass of the thick-rimmed black glasses. He hasn't seen them before, they suit him Dan admits reluctantly. 

"Hi," Phil mumbles back, his eyes returning to the screen. Dan remains where he is, watching Phil sit all dressed up at home. He's wearing a black blazer with a black button-up.

"Why so dressed up?" Dan grins, with an amused expression flickering over his face, similar to a shy springtime sun.

Phil shrugs his shoulders, "I'm always dressed up, there's no occasion" Dan blinks at him, the smile slowly fading with a reluctant nod.

Dan's quiet for a while and the sound of clicking starts up again, like a relentless pattern Dan can’t decipher. He wishes he'd said no to Phil's offer. He's realised that staying alone is way better than living together with someone that doesn't want to talk to you.

"What're you doing?" Dan asks as a final question, ready to head up to his room with a dulled feeling in his breast.

Phil looks up and he stares at Dan, actually looks at him for a second before he answers "writing a book."

When Phil's eyes are trained on the screen Dan breathes out the air he's been holding in an "oh."

"Is it a...?" Dan starts but Phil cuts him off before he has time to guess "secret, yes." Dan nods for himself. 

"Well, I'll leave you to it, I guess," Dan says setting off towards the set of stairs.

-

Dan finds some postcards tucked away under a shoebox. He can't remember who they're from, but he's really curious. He rips one open. 

The first one is from his mom. He can tell from the neat handwriting. She's doodled something at the bottom of the letter. A cute little tent. All of a sudden he thinks he knows exactly when she "gave" this to him.

The air had been cold, the forest dressed in green winter coats, and it was on the brink of autumn. When Dan had poked his head out of the tent, he'd been attacked by the chilly morning air. It clung to his skin and drew a puff of air out of him. He watched the white cloud forming in front of him with fascination. 

He'd closed the tent again and looked back inside, catching a glimpse of his sleeping girlfriend's face mashed up in the pillow. He sighed before creeping back into his little cocoon. 

Dan reached for the cheap button mobile he'd been allowed to borrow. No messages, he sighed looking up at the ceiling. He might as well put the phone back to save some battery.

As he drops it back into the bag he spots something white in-between clothes, and with a frown he extracts it. It's a pale letter, he rolls his eyes. Mum must've packed it down before he left. It's probably filled with stuff like, 'don't do that or your father said... blah blah.' Dan puts it back, he doesn't fancy opening it. 

She moves beside him, rolling over. "Babe? 'R you awake, what's the clock?" He almost jumps, hastily pushing down the letter into his bag and closing it. He doesn't want to cope with her curiosity. He's not sure he could resist opening it if she was on him about it. All the guilt is weighing him down enough as it is.

"Six o clock, go back to sleep, love," He says firmly, it sounds cold and he's surprised by himself. It's not fair to either of them this situation he just wishes she'd be aware of it. Aware of what is going on behind the doors he's insisting on being forced shut.

She frowns with her eyes closed, clearly too tired to be fully conscious. "But why 'r you awake?" 

A ghost of a smile melts his frown, he sighs, "stupid thoughts, you remember?" he whispers. 

"Yeah," she says quietly, she raises her head slightly. "Hug?" she asks, forcing her eyes open so that a streak of her eyes is seen. 

He nods slowly, despite all of this, she is his best friend. She's the one who knows him the best. Her arms come up around his middle, hugging her tight to him. He exhales into her hair. This is going to be so much harder than he thought.

Dan looks down at the letter in his hands, swallowing. He remembers that day so vividly. He's debating whether to read the letter or not, if it's any use anymore. Ultimately he does.

He's mum's wishing them a good trip. Her writing is sentimental, going as far as to write 'you two were meant for each other,' and he swallows roughly. He can't read this anymore because he remembers the look on her face when he'd told her they'd broken it. If that broke her how is she going to take no grandchildren or a wife? 

In the end, he finished unpacking all the moving boxes, but the letters lay left on the bedside table.

-

Phil’s cooking some sort of chicken soup when Dan walks down into the kitchen. Phil glances at him as he enters. "Do you like chicken soup?" he asks, seemingly in a good mood. Dan nods, and walks up to the stove besides Phil to look into the pot where a savoury stew is getting ready.

"Do you like cooking?" Dan wonders and Phil shrugs a little distantly, not answering. Did he step on Phil's toes again? He hurries to say something else. 

"Man, I wish I could cook something like this, it smells really good" The corner of Phil's mouth pulls into a tiny pleased smile then. 

Dan watches it with in-depth fascination and finds he likes it right there, on Phil's face. It's way better than the hollow expression he usually wears. That sneak peek of a hesitant smile was a pop of colour on Phil's face, spring buds born to blossom into rich flowers.


	3. Tall people and narrow minds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: phuzzyphan, <3

Dan looks around himself, the supermarket is mostly empty except for some pensioners. He's not in a hurry, his shift starts late this afternoon. He's strolling lazily amongst rows, blasting music from his earphones.

Today he's filled with tranquillity. He slept well yesterday, so maybe it isn't a coincidence. He's finally gotten used to the stillness, the empty house. It feels abandoned even with Phil in it, must be because they don't see each other much other than in the evening. 

This morning was an exception, because Dan's shift begins later than usual, so he'd laid in, letting the last summer rays soak in through his window and warm his pale skin with its last efforts to awaken him. 

Phil's begun talking with him, it's not really a two-sided conversation but it's something, and it makes Dan somewhat ridiculously hopeful. He asked Dan to buy him some toothpaste, which, thinking about it, does bother him a little because Phil hasn't really made an effort to befriend Dan. On the other hand, Dan was on his way to the store anyway...

When Dan stumbles upon the cereal aisle, he lets his gaze wander over the rows until he sees his favourite. He usually can't afford it but because of Phil, he's saved some money. Pleased, he reaches for the box.

It takes him less time to find the milk, he thinks it probably has something to do with the fact that he's starting to feel stressed about work. It's been creeping under his skin, but now it feels like his whole body's buzzing with anxiety.

Tomorrow, Eddie's supposed to tell him about the party. Even though he doesn't want to admit it, he's been anticipating it somewhat. He longs to get out of his old ways. Dan wants something else in life, and it's daunting. He terrifies himself with these impulsive decisions.

Dan remembers that he was supposed to get Phil toothpaste when he spots some flashy toothbrushes in the corner of his eye. He hurries over and grabs the first tube he can see, Phil never did specify what type of brand he wanted. Dan throws it into the cart without a second glance. It'll have to do.

-

Dan's home shortly, leaving the groceries in the fridge. As he can't find Phil anywhere, he just leaves the tube of toothpaste on the breakfast bar. As he sits on the bus heading back to downtown he cogitates whether Phil was somewhere in the house or if he was out. If he was, where was he? Visiting Laura? 

For a second, he can see her welcoming him into a spotlessly clean apartment that smells faintly of flowers, where the wind pulls on the drapery by the open balcony doors. And Phil loves her and that apartment. 

So much so that Phil doesn't need anyone like Dan in his life. Because Dan isn't even a shadow in Phil's mind. Definitely not a friend, he's just someone temporary that's going to disappear soon, as if he was never there to begin with.

He doesn't really know Phil, but still, it bothers him. That Phil isn't even trying. Dan doesn't understand why. Maybe he should just ignore it. Even if it'll be very hard. He lives in Phil's house and is constantly reminded of what he isn't enough to even be someone's friend. Jesus, does he sound pathetic. Dan shakes his head. He should forget this for now, it's for the best.

-

Work was about as exciting as always, the equivalent of a solid zero. None of his usual co-workers were there to chat with him. Only a girl named Louise who he doesn't know. The only reason he knows her name is because he leered at her nametag when she wasn't looking. He hopes she didn't think he was discreetly checking out her boobs. He has a knack for getting into awkward situations without meaning to.

He's just gotten in through the doors, he can hear that Phil's in the kitchen. Dan was actually planning on making his own meal today. He can't have Phil cooking everything, he'll think Dan is a massive baby with no knowledge whatsoever in cookery. Dan's not a baby and he can definitely cook.

When Dan steps into the kitchen Phil looks up nodding at him "thanks for the toothpaste," Dan nods back walking up to the fridge. With mild interest, Phil watches him as he starts taking out ingredients. 

"So 'r you cooking tonight?" he questions. 

Dan nods. "Yeah thought I'd give it a shot". Phil looks at him without saying anything for a moment, he shrugs, gaze returning to the computer.

As Dan preheats the oven he asks "so do you still fancy playing Mario later?" It takes a while before Phil answers, the loud sound of keyboard buttons ceases.

"Yeah sure, why not," Phil says sounding disinterested. Dan glares at him over the shoulder. Phil doesn't catch it because his eyes are on the screen in front of him.

-

Dan pours the pasta into the pot, it clinks loudly against the metal. Phil looks up with a frown. "Aren't you gonna put some water in?" he asks. Dan looks up. "Oh yeah, forgot" he mutters. 

Phil rolls his eyes and then he closes the lid of his computer in one motion. "How about I help you with that instead?" The corner of Dan's mouth raises slightly, he nods.

-

Dan knows it's a simple meal and he's thankful Phil isn't being mean about his lack of cooking knowledge. 

He's gentle in the way he shows Dan. He pours water into the pot and mumbles "so it won't burn." Dan stays silent and observes as Phil twists the button on the stove. "You want to hitch it up to 9 so the water starts boiling." 

Phil goes and gets a cutting board, then he pulls out a few vegetables out of the fridge. He taps a drawer mumbling "knives," and Dan nods. He opens it to see just as promised, some kitchen knives. The sight of them makes him a little uneasy. 

He starts with the tomatoes, and Phil gives him little tips as he keeps an eye on the rest of the food. 

The food is soon finished, and Dan's pleased with the result. He looks over at Phil who's sticking his fork into the pasta with a hungry glimpse in his eyes. He nods to Dan as he chews, after he's swallowed the bite he looks at Dan and says "good job." 

-

Phil's giving him a tiny console, and his hands look massive in comparison. It looks a bit ridiculous, and Dan is almost certain he caught the glimpse of a half-smile on Phil's face.

Dan looks down on his hands, commenting "I'm convinced these consoles were made for babies." Phil looks up from his search for the game and says "or maybe just normal-sized people." 

Dan eyes him for a moment and Phil looks back. "We're almost the same height," is what he ends up saying, and Phil nods, downcasting his eyes to where his fingers are rapidly flipping through his games in a conditioned fashion.

They stay silent for a while until Phil says something. "It's been a while since I've seen someone as tall as me." It's spoken distantly and he sounds almost yearning. 

Dan nods, fidgeting with the console. "I get that." Phil looks up at him, and Dan is sure he can detect a ghost of a smile. Like a layer thrown over his face to hide something greater that isn't Dan's to have or know. 

Phil's hiding something and well. Dan is never going to know what and it's okay. It's fine.

Suddenly, Phil gives him a smile, exclaiming "found it!" Dan doesn't say anything about the fact that the smile he's now wearing looks plastered on and fake. 

He doesn't ask any more questions, instead he enjoys spending some time with Phil. Hoping that this will be enough for Phil to consider him a potential friend. Or, well, that he'll be enough, really.

-

Dan wins all four matches, he can't help but be cocky about it. Phil looks a bit disgruntled as he's snuggled up in the couch. It looks like the grey couch has swallowed him, almost...

He mutters that Dan is a bad winner but he doesn't sound angry with Dan. Instead, he sounds a bit tired and his voice has gone quiet. The quiff has been a bit knocked down, looking a bit droopy, but Dan doesn't say anything. 

He's got a feeling Phil would've panicked if he'd told him and Dan doesn't want to test that theory. Phil looks content and he's never seen him that way before. Dan can't help but watch him with a mild interest, Phil doesn't seem to notice.

Abruptly Phil sits up straight, blinking his eyes rapidly, he stretches. "I think I'm going to head off to bed," and then he's off, as if he'd never been there to begin with.

Dan sits left in the living room area looking into his hands. They are big, aren't they? Kind of stupidly big... Maybe Phil was right, the world isn't made for tall people like them. 

But he has a feeling that the reason they don't fit has to do with something entirely different than being tall. There's another word that describes them better... but he hasn't quite figured it out yet.


	4. To deal a bad hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta: phuzzyphan

Dan's mum calls him at work and he has to bite his tongue to not remind her that he works as a barista now. She would go quiet then, reminisce about when he was studying. Back when she thought he had his life together, when really he'd just superglued the pieces of it together.

At first, he doesn't know what to do. He contemplates not answering as he stares down at his phone. But then he plucks up his courage, thinking to himself that he can't avoid her forever.

Her voice is timid when he answers. "Dan?" He exhales. She's quiet waiting for him to answer. It's been quite long since she's heard from him. At times, no matter how hard he tries, he's unable to answer her calls. Sometimes there's a barrier encompassing his heart, the bars of a cage surrounding his mind... She can't blame him for that, though it was she and Dan's father who brought him up in a form-fitted suit that grew more ill-fitting the older he got. 

Come to think, they thought he'd never change. Or maybe rather that he'd become something unconsidered.

"Hi, mum," he grabs the phone a little tighter in his hand, eyes darting to the clock - it's almost lunchtime. Eddie and Jimmy's shift began at that time. The party, he hasn't forgotten, and he's awfully anxious for something he supposedly doesn't care about.

"So..." she starts tentatively "how's life?" Of course, she asks the generic question. She must've suddenly realised that she doesn't actually know what is going on in his life anymore. 

He laughs a little, but it sounds stiff. "It's good" She's quiet on the other line for a moment before she replies.

"That's good, that's good" she sounds distant, stuck in her own thoughts. Suddenly he wishes he didn't waste his break on this.

"Are you doing something next Wednesday one o'clock?" She asks all of a sudden. Dan blinks, glancing up at the clock again.

"Wednesday... uh... no, work ends twelve that day," he says sounding more suspicious than he intended. 

"Great, we'll have lunch at Springbreak then. I need to talk to you about something" she says matter-of-factly, without checking if he actually wants to.

"Oh, okay," he says lowering his phone for a second to think. He bites his lip. He can hear her monotonic voice remotely. He's zoning out for a moment. 

Imagining the picturesque restaurant, oddly secluded, despite being located in the centre of the city. It must be because it's squeezed in-between a colossal bookstore and a local botanic garden - it's simply outshone. People just don't notice it- well, except for his mum. Or so he thought. But she told him she'd found it through Nana. 

Which, when Dan is thinking about it, sounds about right. He could picture his grandma sitting there on a warm afternoon in the middle of June with her girlfriends from the knitting club.

He's brought back from his thoughts when he hears her call, "Dan?" He shakes his head lightly, raising the phone to his ear. 

"Sorry" he mumbles. "I gotta get back to work mum," she's quiet for a moment then she sighs, "of course." Hesitantly he looks down on his phone. Should he tell her that he's moved? Does she have anything to do with his life at all aside from being his mother? 

They've never been that close. Sometimes when she calls him up and ask to meet it feels forced. Like she doesn't really want to meet him. She just feels obligated because he's her son. He guesses he feels somewhat obligated too... 

He's going to tell her, just not yet. He'll postpone it for now. He's sure it'll be fine. He'll just wait a little so that he knows for sure his situation is stable. So she won't inflict worrisome thoughts upon his head. She has a knack for making him anxious with her own concern. It makes him feel trapped. As if his chest is a cage for a panicking bird he's trapped there so she won't know. So she won't hear it sing his darkest secrets. 

It's going to be fine, it's only about moving places. She doesn't actually know that he's gay. And he's not planning on letting her know either. He's not ready to let the whispers bleed out from the gaps in his chest.

Before he mutters "bye," he can hear his dad cough in the background. He shakes his head, jamming his finger on the red button. A sudden vexation has struck his heart and spread a dour expression upon his face.

-

Eddie is tapping his cigarette against the brick wall. "'R you sure you're still in, Howell?" Dan's nose crinkles at the smell of the smoke whiff up his nose. He shrugs, trying to come off as unconcerned.

"Guess I'm still in," Dan mutters, looking over his shoulder after Jimmy but not spotting him. He wonders where he's at. If you see Eddie, it's a known fact that Jimmy is often nearby.

Eddie quirks an eyebrow, flicking his cigarette butt. He then pushes himself off the wall he was leaned against. "For once, Howell, you actually surprise me."

Dan blinks at him but doesn't say anything. Frankly, he doesn't know what to say to that statement.

"Okay, follow me inside and I'll give you all the juicy deets."

-

Dan feels stupid as he lets Eddie explain what's so great about the party. Why did he even think this would be fun, to begin with? His stupid attempt for at least a tiny change of his boring life is proving to be a stupid mistake. He should go back to wallowing in his own self-pity.

At least he's gotten the details of when the party is and where. Now that he's said he'd come he guesses he'll have to. He doesn't want to feel bad about not coming and dreading explaining as to why he didn't turn up.

It's this Saturday. He doesn't have to stay for long. Just be there for maybe an hour or so, just so that he can say he was there.

-

The doorbell rings just as Dan's reaching for the second letter on his bedside table. He looks up and over to the door opening. Should he open it or let Phil take it? It's not like it is for him anyway? His curiosity gets the best of him and he withdraws his hand, standing up. Maybe Phil didn't hear it?

There's no sound of moving downstairs, the house is quiet. Dan slips over the floor, the sound of his footsteps muffled. Once in awhile a floorboard creaks cutting through the thick silence. His heart beats in his ears. 

Dammit, why does it feel like he's suddenly in a horror movie? He's stupid for frightening himself like this. But he can't help it, the scenario is perfect. Big, unfamiliar house, that feels abandoned although he knows it isn't and then out of nowhere someone's at the door. He shakes his head, laughing under his breath at himself.

When he reaches the door, he looks around himself to see if Phil's nearby. He shrugs his shoulders and reaches for the handle.

The moment he's met with her somewhat surprised face he frowns. The horror movie vibe is gone and replaced with a bad feeling in his stomach. She seems to regain her ability to speak and beams, "Dan, nice to see you again".

"Laura," he mumbles taking a step back so she can come inside. She closes the door behind herself and that's when he notices the plastic bag she's carrying. A delightful smells filling the hallway he assumes it's from the bag. 

She sees him looking and she raises the bag smiling widely. "Brought Chinese!" Before he has a chance to say anything, she adds "I hope you like it, I mean I know Phil does but I didn't have time to ask you so I ordered a few vegan options in case you're, you know, vegan." 

Dan's cheeks heat up. "Oh, you really didn't have to do that, Laura," he says. Suddenly, he feels bad for disliking her. She actually seems kind of nice. He's usually vegan, when he can afford it. He really appreciates her gesture of kindness.

Abruptly he's brought from his thoughts by another voice "Laura?" It's Phil standing in the hallway with a bewildered look on his face. His body language is uncertain, as he's gripping the door frame into the kitchen firmly.

She looks over at him "Hi, I brought Chinese, thought I'd surprise you. I thought we could talk a little about the book too, what do you think about that?" 

Phil lets go of the frame, scratching his neck. "Yeah, sure, why not," he says, but his calm expression doesn't resemble his body language. Dan wonders if Phil really wanted to talk to Laura. Or maybe he's just nervous because he doesn't want Dan to know about his book. Suddenly something clicks in his head. Laura must be Phil's book manager. Why didn't he think about that earlier? He feels so stupid.

"Why don't you take off your shoes and come into the kitchen?" Phil says giving her a timid but rather rigid smile. She doesn't seem to pick up on it, and follows suit after Phil into the kitchen.

-

Dan helps Phil put down all the cutlery and plates, the hushed voices of Phil and Laura in the background. They stand in the kitchen area. Phil's leaning against the stove, his brow furrowed as he listens to her. Dan takes a little extra time arranging the cutlery and eliminating any wrinkles in the tablecloth. He doesn't want to disturb them in their obvious private discussion. Though he is rather curious of what they're speaking about.

Laura walks up to Dan, dumping the plastic bag of food on the table with a smile. Dan looks up at her, and when she asks if he's hungry, he nods. He glances over her shoulder into the kitchen where Phil is still standing with a frown on his features. He looks like he's in deep thought. Laura seems to notice that his attention is elsewhere and looks over her shoulder too. She smiles wistfully, shaking his head "I wish I didn't have to be so hard on him you now?" she says tentatively, leaning her weight on the back of a chair.

Dan just nods letting her continue. "I know he's doing his best, it's just the world doesn't always see that, they only see the negatives." She stares at the tablecloth with a frown for a moment. Then she shakes her head, reaching to unpack the boxes of food from the bag.   
"It wasn't always like this, you know," she says looking over at him. "If the world watched me that closely, I would've probably also hidden in my house in the majority of my time." Dan only stares at her, feeling confused. 

He's about to ask her what she meant by that when Phil steps up beside her, mumbling something to her. Dan doesn't hear what and he feels as if he shouldn't really be here.

"Oh, Dan, here's the vegan option," she says beaming at him when he takes it from her hand. 

Phil raises his eyebrows. "You're vegan?" Dan looks over at him, feeling his cheeks redden a bit, remembering that he ate that chicken soup Phil made. "I'm trying to be, I guess," he mumbles, shrugging his shoulders. When Phil only nods at that Laura laughs warmly. "Aren't we all."

"Backstory?" Dan prompts curiously. She laughs then, shaking her head, and in the corner of his eye, he catches Phil smiling a little. At least she can make him smile, he thinks sourly.

"I had a period in my early twenties when I was striving to become a better me. The vegan thing didn't really work out for me though," she frowns looking a little defeated.

Dan nods, taking a bite out of a dumpling.

-

He thinks it was Laura who suggested it first and everybody else just went along with it. They're sat playing board games, which Dan was honestly surprised to learn that Phil owned. But there they were, stowed away in a wardrobe. 

Laura must've known that, they've probably played before. But when Phil suggested that he and she should play against Dan, she shook her head, smiling. "Don't even try escaping that easily, you should play with someone new."

Said and done, Phil sat down beside Dan, muttering something about how good Laura is at this game and that it's unfair. Dan only rolled his eyes.

But after a while, Phil seemed to have warmed up to the whole thing, asking Dan what type of card in his deck he should choose. Dan suggested one, and Phil shook his head, a tiny smile taking place on his face. "That one will guarantee a loss."


	5. When the flowers dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: phuzzyphan

Dan doesn't know how he managed to drench himself in milk but here he is. His co-worker, the blonde woman, looks over at him the moment it happens. Her stunned face is priceless. After the initial shock she hurries over to him looking worried. "Are you okay?" she asks, eyebrows furrowed. 

He can't do anything other than laugh, embarrassed. "Yeah, other than being drenched in milk I think I'm fine." she snorts then, a half-smile gliding upon her face easily. He mirrors her face and they look at each other for a second before bursting into uncontrollable laughter.

"You should've seen your face," she says in-between hysterical laughter. "It was like" she does a funny surprised face "oh no," she wails "please no one look at my humiliation."

"Wow, Louise, way to expose my mortification" He rolls his eyes, sounding unimpressed. He hopes she gets that he's just playing along with her. Some people misunderstand his jokes as him being rude but that's just how he jokes.

She grins then. "You're welcome." Suddenly he wonders why he's never spoken to Louise before. He's brought back from his thoughts by a cough. He looks over to where a customer stands waiting, looking stern. Dan instantly quiets, he looks over at Louise who's seemingly doing everything she can not to burst into another series of giggles.

He turns to the customer "I'm sorry for making you wait, sir, what would you like?"

-

It's after serving the cross old man he realises just how soaked in milk he really is. Louise looks over at him, concerned, as she serves a young adult. When she's done she comes over to him again. 

"Do you have anything to change into?" she wonders. He shakes his head, telling her no. He didn't bring any other clothes, it being Friday and all he was prepared to go back to his room the moment his shift was over.

"My shift ends in thirty minutes so you could borrow clothes from me, I live nearby. I'll just go and get them for you," she offers. Dan smiles at her, he definitely doesn't deserve this kindness she's offering. But on the other hand, he does need to change clothes badly...

"My shift ends at the same time, I can follow with you if you don't mind, then you don't have to run the extra mile." She beams at his answer.

"Brilliant!" She looks down at the floor then, looking less pleased. "First, though, we need to sort out that puddle of milk."

-

Dan looks about himself when he enters Louise's apartment. It's bigger than his was, with two additional rooms. The place looks quaint, it's like it's been frozen in time. The kitchen looks olden and, to Dan's delight, he notices that she has a gas-stove.

Louise asks him if he wants anything to drink and he shakes his head. He's intruding enough as it is, Louise probably wants him out of her hair anon. 

When she goes to get the clothes he steps out into the hall. On their way to her place, she told him about her first day at work. It had been an amusing story involving an enraged man and his cappuccino. 

It's been nice talking to her, he's feeling stupid for not doing it earlier. But on the contrary, he hasn't really gotten on with any of his other co-workers so far.

She returns after a couple of minutes with clothing folded over her arm. He thanks her as she gives them to him and slinks off into the bathroom to change.

It isn't until he has the wear on that he notices that it's a pyjama set. He can't help but snort at it as he looks at himself in the mirror. 

"Did I look that tired?" he asks jokingly as he steps out from the toilet. Louise looks up at him and for a moment confusion is evident on her features until she realises and laughs. 

"Oh, no, no," she smiles shaking her head. "It's the only clothing you could borrow without me having to ask my man first if it was okay."

Dan frowns. "Oh, are you sure he won't mind me borrowing his pyjamas?" He really doesn't want to be an inconvenience.

"No, no, they're unused actually, he got a size too big and we forgot to exchange it," she tells him. He relaxes a little at that answer.

"When do you want them back?" He asks as he's slipping on his jacket.

"Oh," she looks surprised for a moment "Are you going already?" She's way too nice, he decides. But he has to go home, make dinner and all that.

"Yeah, sorry, but we'll see each other next Friday?" He states.

"Yep, and you can keep it actually seeing as we don't have any use for it," she offers.

"Oh, are you sure?"

"Yeah, definitely, it suits you"

Dan smiles at her.

-

He can hear Phil in the kitchen the moment he steps inside. He's writing on his computer and looks up when Dan walks in.

"Morning," he says and Dan snorts. Phil looks up, looking irritated. "What?"

"It's definitely not morning," Dan replies, leaning over the kitchen isle. Phil's hair isn't tousled but he definitely looks tired today. It's as if he's just woken up. But Dan bets he's taken his time getting ready.

Phil looks up, pushing back his glasses. "Whatever," he mutters. Dan's fascinated by the way they fit so well on his face. He wonders if it's jealousy, should he be buying a pair of his own? Maybe he could compete? Probably not...

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed," he teases before he can stop himself.

"Did not," Phil grunts.

"How late... sorry, 'early' did you wake up, then?" he asks Phil with a tweak of sarcasm. 

Phil looks unimpressed and reaches for the cup of coffee instead of answering.

Dan shrugs his shoulders feeling a tad bit discouraged. However just as he's about to go up to his room Phil speaks up.

"Dan?" There's an urgency in his voice that he tries to conceal the moment Dan's eyes are on him.

"Yeah?" Dan turns around on the spot, quirking an eyebrow. Phil brushes a hand through his hair, looking uneasy.

"Laura wanted me to ask you if you wanted to follow with us tomorrow, Saturday, on a picnic," he mumbles.

Dan's silent for a moment. The party's tomorrow. If he skips it there will be uncomfortable questions thrown Dan's way. He shudders. 

It's not like he doesn't want to join Laura and Phil because he does, they're kind people. It's just he's already agreed and this sounds like something that Phil wanted to treat Laura with. And because she's kind she asked Phil to invite Dan. Yeah, that's how it went down.

Dan likes them but being a third-wheel... he'd rather go to the party so they can be together.

"I can't... I promised my... mate... to be there," he offers as an excuse.

"Oh," Phil says looking surprised for a moment before he turns to his computer again. Dan can't tell if he's looking disappointed or if he's just glad that Dan's said no. 

"Okay," Phil mutters.

-

The moment Dan arrives at the party he's submerged in dusk. Swallowed in-between umbels of partying people. And Dan push back the feeling of uncomfortability. The smell of sweat and alcohol is in the air. What was he thinking subjecting himself to this? This is like his uni days all over again. The stress of feeling like he's slipping under riddled with a desire to be wanted despite his faults.

Dan swallows it down, it's in the past, meant to be forgotten, meant to never be dealt with. 

He stands for a moment rested against a wall, catching his breath. He's disappointed in himself. He should be out there in the crowd dancing, why isn't he pushing himself to do that? He forces himself off the wall standing unsure.

This isn't how it had all turned out in his head. He was supposed to find some friends maybe even a someone. He was supposed to be someone new, or at least someone he'd like to be. Dan sighs and lets himself fall back against the wall.

"Hi," Dan almost jumps, turning his head rapidly to the corner a few meters from him. There's a guy sitting there who he hadn't noticed. His hair is silvery, eyes blue. As if he was the living embodiment of a silver moon reflected in murky waters. 

Dan smiles carefully. "Hi, didn't see you there, what are you doing in the corner?" The corner of the guy's mouth pulls, he looks amused. The increasing rhythm of Dan's heart has woven a veil to hide the two of them from the rest of the world.

"Finally being noticed by a pretty guy; that's what I'm doing," he says, his smile growing. He watches Dan, his eyes moving and Dan is pulled in. He can feel the pressure over his chest and the heat on his cheeks. Dammit, he hates strangers using his weaknesses against him. His heart drums in his ears.

"I'm sure you can find someone better than me," Dan mumbles. He's not used to this, guys in uni they were mostly looking to test their wings and Dan didn't want to be their disposable. He'd fallen for it before. Bruised his wings, thinking he'd never trust again. But he's getting older and so are the people around him. Plus, he's supposed to be a new him. 

"Why's that? You've got someone special already?" The guy asks curiously. He walks up to Dan. Suddenly Dan feels very nervous because this close up, the guy's extremely pretty.

"Hah no, I just... I'm not worth your time," Dan laughs. The guy picks up on the uncertainty in his voice. He looks into Dan's eyes and smiles a comforting smile. Something in Dan clicks, he steps a little closer.

"Sure you are, I mean look at you," the guys says.

Dan laughs "stop," waving away his comment. But they're so close Dan can smell a quiet perfume. They look at each other, everything is quiet. 

Until he says "make me."

-

Dan's mind is bathing in a euphoric mist. His finger brushes the guy's neck, grazing through into his silky hair. He gasps as they part their lips for a second. His body is warm and pulsating with energy. He can feel the other guy's hand sneak down to his bum. He can't remember when he last did something like this. Has he really not let himself loose in so long? They part their lips again and he looks into Dan's eyes.

"Hey, would you maybe want to go somewhere a little more private?" He asks. Dan's hooded eyes take in his puffed lips. He sighs.

"Yeah," The guy starts walking waving for Dan to follow with. They tumble through the crowd on the dance floor. Dan doesn't lose sight of him once.

When they're taking their first steps up the staircase someone calls his name.

"Dan! There you are, mate," Dan turns around catching Eddie jogging up to them.

"Eddie..." Dan says, his mouth soundly feeling dry. He swallows, gripping the bannister firmly with a sweaty hand.

"So whatcha up to, caught any hot bird yet? He says with a wide nonchalant grin, he quirks an eyebrow as he waits for Dan to reply.

Dan quickly glances up at the guy behind him who's frowning. "No, I've just been chilling". 

"Who's that dude?" Eddie questions when he notices the guy standing behind Dan.

"Oh, that's..." Dan starts looking over his shoulder at the guy pleadingly. The corner of his mouth pulls at Dan's expression.

"Marvyn" he offers, nodding towards Eddie. Dan exhales inwardly before continuing.

"He's offered to show me around the place-" Eddie smirks then looking over at Marvyn with a new interest.

"So you're a nice guy, that's cool, that's cool." He says rubbing his hands together. "Alright guys I better be going, gotta catch my Elisa, ah Dan you already know," He grins widely. It looks forced and it makes Dan's skin crawl.

After Eddie's departed Dan and Marvyn's left standing in the dim of the stairway. 

"That guy's a douche" Marvyn observes burying his hands in his pockets. Dan's prepared to agree with him. Every time he sees Eddie a vile taste's left on his tongue. It wasn't this bad before, he hadn't seen much of him mind you. But what he's heard now is enough to make his skin crawl for days.

"Yeah..." He agrees decisively. Marvyn glances at him, his forehead wrinkled in a frown.

"So is he your friend...? He sounds worried and for a moment Dan forgets to breathe. He shakes his head, placing a hand on his chest.

"No, we're just co-workers." Marvyn nods, downcasting his eyes. He's still frowning and Dan is worried he caused him a headache. Guilt makes Dan hunch his shoulders a little.

After a period of consideration, Marvyn looks up at him with a mischevious, restrained smile. He looks a bit silly, like a kid asking a goofy question.

"Mm... profession?" He quirks an eyebrow. Dan shakes his head smiling for himself, then he looks up at Marvyn.

"Barista... at the moment." Marvyn to Dan's surprise looks pleased with the answer.

"Aw that's sweet dude," He says and Dan can feel his hand brushing against Dan's. Quiet and visual for Dan only.

"Wanna get back to where we were?" he mumbles. Dan withdraws his hand. And Marvyn looks worried, meeting Dan's eyes.

"About that, I don't really..." Dan starts with a ghost of a smile. Dammit, why is he feeling guilty about this already?

"Did he kill the mood?" Marvyn wonders, he looks almost sad. 

"Yeah..." Dan mumbles. It's partly Eddie's work but a part of Dan was too scared to let someone in so close. And he listened to himself this time. He was about to go against it, stupidly Eddie was in a way his saviour. A distraction to make him realise he might not be ready for what Marvyn might want from him.

"Ah, it's chill but can I still get your number?" He gives Dan a half-smile. 

"Oh, are you sure you want..." Dan mumbles rashly. Marvyn cuts him off smiling brightly, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, of course, you're really cute and intriguing." Dan' stares at him, feeling his cheeks redden, his heart beats firmly against his ribcage.

"Blocked," he borderline whines.

"Haha, you can't block me before I've even gotten your number," Marvyn rolls his eyes.

"One hundred percent blocked!" Dan exclaims. They look at each other before both of them burst into laughter.

-

Dan's just about to take off into the night when his name is called. Eddie's triumphant face is washed in neon lights. "Dan, don't run away just yet mate, I've someone I want to introduce you to," he says raising the glass in his hand. The drink sloshing over the edge of the cup. Dan suddenly has an inkling that Eddie might not be completely sober.

Dan takes a step backwards about to excuse himself when a girl steps forth from the shadows. Eddie smirks at her boastfully. And he supposes he gets the heart eyes because she really is pretty. She's got curly black hair that reflects the neon lights. Gold shimmer on her cheeks that complements her dark skin. She smiles tentatively at him, looking unsure. He reaches out his hand shaking hers "Dan."

"Elisa," She says now smiling at him kindly. Before he has time to talk to her more Eddie pulls him aside looking disgustingly smug. Suddenly the urge to leave has never been stronger. Dan pushes it down.

"So Dan did you" he makes grabby hands "squeeze any knockers yet?" Dan's so taken by the question he's lost for words, just staring with a mix of astonishment and disgust. He's saved by another person stepping up into their space.

"Eddie, stop." It's Jimmy and he sounds bitter. He's never seen Jimmy mad, he's the most patient person at work. He's never stressed and absolutely never cross. And apparently, Eddies also surprised, by not only Jimmy's temper but the fact that he's speaking up. Eddie mustn't be used to people telling him off and especially not his best friend. "It's enough," Jimmy asserts.

-

The bewildered face of Eddie is etched into his mind the whole way back. His cheek is leaned against the cushion of the bus seat. The outside world is dark and for a moment he wonders if Phil's awake. He's probably not, sleeping in his room somewhere in the house. It strikes Dan that he doesn't even now where Phil's bedroom is in the house. He leans back in the seat left with a weird feeling bubbling in his stomach.


	6. A taste of the dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: phuzzyphan

The kitchen is draped in a dark blue hue. It smells of coffee and Dan smiles a little, remembering the banter with Louise. He steps in quietly over the floor, not wanting to awaken Phil. 

His gaze sweeps over the kitchen quickly and he almost has a heart attack when a set of eyes stare back at him. He clutches his chest, the fabric of his shirt slightly damp in his hand.

"Phil?" he whispers. He's not sure why he's whispering exactly it's just something about the tranquil atmosphere, like it doesn't want to be disturbed. Dan can feel it in the air he's breathing.

Phil looks up, one corner of his mouth raises into a stiff half-smile. His eyes are a bit distant but he mumbles out a "Dan," almost tentative as if he's not sure if Dan's really there. 

Dan nods, a worried frown taking its place on his forehead. Phil's holding a cup of coffee between his hands, tapping his fingers against the porcelain in an almost frenetic matter.

"Are... you alright?" Dan says softly. Phil looks down at the table, mouth still a line before he answers "I'm... fine." Dan tentatively walks over to sit on the chair next to Phil. Phil doesn't acknowledge the sudden lack of space.

He shrugs "I'm just tired." Dan folds his arms out on the breakfast bar laying his head on them. They sit like that for a moment and the silence goes to Dan's brain, filling his ears as if it was music. 

In the darkness of the kitchen, the small LED lights of the coffee machine almost dazzle him.

Suddenly with a small grunt, Phil drags out the chair - with it protesting promptly - and stands up, stretching. It's a half-arsed try to alert his body, but it makes Dan smile as he watches.

"Ya want tea?" Phil turns to Dan and is met with his surprised face. 

Dan frowns. "Tea?" He's surprised that Phil asked.

Phil looks at him as if he were the stupidest person on this planet. "Yeah tea, you drink it." Dan sighs, and here he thought Phil was doing a nice gesture.

"Yeah, I know, I was just surprised to know you could be nice," Dan mutters.

Phil looks at him with a face Dan can't read before he says, "is that a yes or a no?"

"Yes..."

-

As the tea is brewing, Phil stands, looking out of the window. He's standing upright and a bit stiffly, as if he's forcing himself. Dan rests his eyes on the outlines of Phil's shoulder blades through the dark blue shirt.

He's tired but he keeps his eyes open. Phil's presence is enough to keep him on edge at all times. Dan will admit he doesn't understand Phil but there's a want to. Or at least his heart tells him so, beating nervously.

"Phil?" Dan says to the wall of stone that is his roommate. He doesn't answer, relentlessly staring out into the black of the night. He might as well be a lonely house standing in the middle of nowhere, because Dan's not sure he’ll get an answer out of Phil. Sometimes Phil gets so quiet that Dan wonders if he simply resents Dan or if he's just caught up in his own thoughts.

Dan wonders if he's seeing something that Dan doesn't. If he's understood the dark whereas Dan hasn't. Or maybe he's afraid of it, warily watching from the safety of his home. Maybe it isn't the dark Phil's afraid of? Maybe it's the outside?

Phil slowly turns around. Somehow his eyes look bigger than normal and a tad sad. The blue of them is dulled and nothing like the usual bright set of diamonds. 

"How come you can't sleep?" Dan asks carefully, afraid if he's coming on too strong Phil will quieten, like a deer caught in headlights.

And suddenly there's a quiet laugh making its way out of Phil's mouth. Dan looks up, his chest suddenly blossoming with anxious excitement. Phil's smiling at Dan with an almost sly, mischievous look on his face. 

"It's a long story," he says shrugging his shoulders. Before Dan has time to ask him anything else Phil's turned the question around in his own favour.

"Now tell me, how come you're up, working man?" a sly grin creeps upon his face. Dan's a bit taken aback by the sudden interest. It isn't like Phil's been interested in anything he's been doing so far.

"Party," Dan shrugs, suddenly feeling quite tired from Phil's antics and the constant mood swings. Who knew it'd be so tiring living with another human, for a moment he'd forgotten how it was living with his parents.

"You promised a 'mate' to go to a party?" Phil scoffs.

"Yeah," Dan mumbles taking a sip of the tea.

"How much of a party-pooper are you, for them to make you promise something like that?" Phil snorts, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Says you," Dan says before taking one last sip, setting down the half-empty cup with a thump. He gets up from the chair turning around only to catch the furrowed brows of Phil.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He questions, suddenly roused with newfound vigour. Dan walks up to the frame of the door and turns around. He looks over his shoulder at Phil for a long time, their eyes battling with unspoken words. 

Phil's eyes look upset, darkened like the sea during a storm. Lacking the glimmer and warmth of the sun. Dan doesn't know what to say, he looks past the simmering indignation. Past the furrowed brows and all he can think right then is; the gaze Phil holds so high is full of sorrow.

"I'll give you time to think about it, you've got the whole night for yourself, mate." And with his back turned to Phil he leaves the half-drunken tea on the counter, together with a wide-eyed Phil.


	7. Ironed out and blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: phuzzyphan (on Tumblr)

"Louise?"

"Hi Dan, what's up?" she asks, and he can hear the warmth of her smile through the line. He finds himself grinning, leaning his head against the tree. He's sitting in the outskirts of the property, in a small opening surrounded by trees. His shoulder is bathing in the warmth of the sun filtering through the thin foliage.

"Not much really, I was actually calling to see how you're doing." There's a moment of silence on the other end of the line. He thinks she's probably thinking about what to say.

Dan's recently discovered how hard it's talking about yourself. It almost feels like a chore, like an obligation to tell someone. As if anyone who asks him what he's done that day is his mum. He understands that isn't how everyone perceives it but he can't help but wonder if he's the only one.

"Well, I am working today but I'm also watching my daughter. So it's double the work for me today, you could say!" She says, sounding a bit stressed, "I’m lucky today doesn't seem as busy as usual."

His forehead furrows unbeknownst to him, he sits up a little straighter feeling the bark of the tree digging into his back. "Louise- would you mind if I came around to say hi, I could even babysit a little." he offers.

"Oh Dan, you don't have to," she says and he can almost imagine the slight shake of her head as she says it.

"It's no worries, I need to get out of this house a little bit anyway!" he waves her off.

"Well, I must say I appreciate the kindness, but you don't have to ask if you're allowed to come, stupid. You work here too!" she laughs and he feels his cheeks grow hot in embarrassment.

"Of course, I knew that Louise" he mutters abashedly.

-

He looks up as Louise brings over the coffee pinched between her pointer finger and thumb. With a cheeky smile, she says "One black coffee for the mister" and winks. Dan looks down at his nails, shaking one of his hands through the air to help the nail polish dry quicker. "What do you say D, am I allowed to grab my coffee yet?"

"If you're careful," Louise's daughter says, unfocused, as she carefully paints Dan's other hand with the glittery polish.

"Of course, I don't want to ruin the design." He mumbles softly as he carefully receives the cup from Louise. When he first arrived he didn't expect to be begged to partake in Darcy’s newly opened nail salon - her words not his. But he's got to admit it's been a good experience. She's absolutely adorable.

"Very flashy, why pink, if I'm allowed to ask?" Louise says as she curiously inspects Dan's nails.

"It's his favourite colour, mum," Darcy says as she screws on the cap of the polish bottle.

Dan laughs a little at that and chimes in with "you know I woke up today and suddenly my love for black had dwindled into oblivion." He delicately takes a sip of his coffee so as to not ruin D's hard work and grins when she says "now we're matching!”

She's holding out her tiny hand - adorned with glittery pink nail polish - on the table next to his. Dan's heart squeezes in his chest at the cuteness. "We do!" he agrees.

-

It's been about ten minutes since he's left the coffee shop, and he's on his way to downtown to catch a bus back. He's feeling mentally tired from hanging out with people and he's looking forward to crawling into bed.

When he walks over the crossroad he hears his name being called and he looks around confused, already thinking to himself that it was some other Dan.

"Dan?"

"Oh, Laura" he says, surprised to see her here.

She walks up to him, "I thought it was you but I wasn't sure" she laughs. She's wearing an airy, thin, see-through button-up and it's flowing in the wind, under it she has a black tank-top and a pair of neatly ironed blue jeans. "So what've you been up to?" she asks, one of the corners of her mouth pulls up in the awaiting for an answer. Together they walk over the crossroad to the safety of the other side of the street.

"Um hah, taking a break from the big, empty house," he says shrugging. She smiles then but it’s tinted blue and the laugh accompanied is delivered in the same fashion. It makes Dan's head spin with questions he won't let himself ask.

"Yeah?" she says "that house is a prison," Dan's not sure if it's meant to be a joke, but she isn't laughing. "And sometimes life requires you to break free from it," she flicks her hand in an elegant gesture and for a second Dan pictures a bird flying out from her sleeve and taking off into the sky. As if she was a street magician rather than his friend? Can he call her that? For a second it was as if the words she spoke had a bit of a spark to them.

"Well, a metaphorical prison, I presume..." she says deep in thought before she looks up again, looking a bit flustered.

She seems to brush it off quickly, though, because the next moment she asks him curiously, "So what exactly has lead you to be on the run?" she inquires, a smile breaking loose on her face.

He laughs, feeling amused by her way of putting it but also a bit thoughtful by the way she phrased it. Like she knows something he doesn't. And maybe he also feels a bit outwitted because she succeeds in luring out his private business so easily.

"Um..." he begins before she cuts him off.

"I'm sorry- did I come on too strong, I do that sometimes." she chuckles, scratching the back of her neck. "It's kinda been a necessity as Phil's manager, I'm starting to think it's been engraved in my personality at this point."

He smiles a little "Well... I guess I should tell you Phil and I haven't really gotten on that well to be frank," He looks away, not wanting to see her reaction.

"Oh?" she says, clearly looking confused as he glances back.

"When I saw you last I could swear it was going great, Phil's a bit rusty when it comes to socializing if I put it that way..." She explains.

"I wish I could say the same but we just don't click, like at all and I've tried to... I don't know... I'm kind of starting to give up," he confesses. A sigh slips past his lips. She nods a bit and looks down at the ground.

"I guess I haven't seen all of your interactions... but I just want to say that if he comes across as cold and distant- he's not... he, ah-" she stops herself and laughs a bit awkwardly "you should probably talk to Phil about it. It's not really my business to talk about this..."

She looks up with a glimpse in the eye. "But hear me out when I say this, please don't give up on him just yet, talk to him first."

-

Dan's sitting in the opening again, he can't really persuade himself to go into that house just yet. It is as if that house bears a curse to it. Or maybe Laura's fancy talk has gotten to his head- he can't really determine.

He's had a lot to think about. But mostly his thoughts have been on Phil. He wonders if Phil has taken what he said yesterday to heart. It's impossible to guess and he just has to face Phil sooner or later to find out.

He'd rather not, though, if he's being honest. Confronting never was his strong suit. Fuck _new me, new life_ \- this isn't going at all how Dan wanted it. Even when he tries to change there's a stone-cold wall holding him back, pressing him into a mould.

The late summer flowers dance in the wind and the long tall grass is now more of a pale yellow rather than green. The wind isn't necessarily cold but it is present, reminding him that time is passing scarily fast.

A crack of a branch makes Dan jump, looking over his shoulder. It's Phil standing in the opening, nodding to Dan when he sees him.

He doesn't say anything as he carefully walks forth sitting down against a tree, opposite of Dan. It's bizarre seeing Phil outside, dressed in a black turtleneck and jeans paired with a pair of fancy black leather shoes Dan doesn't know the name of (and probably never will, to be honest).

It's quiet for a bit, and Phil looks around the glade. Dan leans his head back against the bark and sighs.

"It's nice here," Phil says, nodding to the scenery "I've never sat down here before."

"Figured," Dan mutters. He's still irritated with Phil but maybe he also feels a bit blue. And he can't even explain why. Phil stays silent, looking down into the ground.

Dan won't say he's disappointed... but he is. He kind of expected some kind of acknowledgement of what happened yesterday. Maybe even an apology? But nothing, nada.

"So about yesterday..." Phil starts. Dan perks up his ears - maybe he shouldn't be so fast to condemn?

"Laura and I decided to move the picnic to Sunday so you can join us," Phil continues and Dan doesn't know whether to laugh or cry out in frustration. He sighs before saying.

"I'll join on one condition," Dan mutters, Phil furrows his eyebrows looking confused "which is?"

"Can I bring Louise?"

"Uh... yeah sure? Is she... someone important to you?" Phil wonders, looking mildly interested all of a sudden.

"You could say that, yeah," Dan says shrugging his shoulders. He's looking anywhere else except at Phil. He's feeling tired again and the appeal of his bed is stronger than ever.

"Um okay, you're welcome to bring Louise. Um, I have to go, the dinner won't make itself, ah you know," Phil says all of a sudden, already standing up before he's off the next second. Dan blinks confusedly, watching him hurrying off.

What is it with Phil and running off from out of nowhere? Dan will probably never know.


	8. Phone numbers and picnics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: phuzzyphan
> 
> A/N I just want to thank all of you who read this story especially Simon, your comments have been absolutely lovely and It's so fun to hear all your ideas and feelings :')

The sky is grey today and the wind is tugging harshly on their clothes. Dan shifts his eyes down to the concrete. Phil and Laura are walking ahead of him. Laura's carrying a basket in the bend of her arm. They're talking and laughing and Dan can't help but feel like the start of this day could've been better. He's mulling through the endless turns his life could've taken if he had declined Phil's offer.

He sighs internally- maybe he should listen to Laura and actually talk to Phil... Or maybe he could ignore his emotions just a little longer for the sake of his fear of confrontation? 

Yeah, actually that sounds a lot more pleasant now that he thinks about it. Plus it's always him that has to talk to Phil when it's Phil that is the problem. It's just not fair! Dan should be able to relax for a moment instead of constantly having to think about what Phil might feel or have an opinion about. 

Louise bumps her shoulder into his. "Hey Dan, realised I forgot to say, thank you for inviting me. Work was getting to the brink of too much... I think I needed someone to pull me out of it." She gives him a half-smile and Dan gives her one in return. 

He's glad he could do something for her even if his reasoning behind asking wasn't as considerate... It was entirely selfish and he feels a bit bad for it. "Don't be mad if I tell you you're kind of my ticket out of third-wheeling," he confesses. 

"Dan Howell, I knew there was a reason you invited me - it couldn't have been out of the kindness of your heart," Dan's cheeks heat up at the comment, he glares at her and she just smirks. Yet his chest feels a little warm and floaty for a second, he increases his pace.

"Louise! I can be kind," he huffs.

"You can?" she asks and when they lock eyes, she bursts out laughing. He elbows her discreetly, hiding a growing smile from her.

-

They stop in an area where the grass is short and the land flat. Laura aires out the blanket and gently guides it to the ground until it's a neat rectangle. 

Dan watches as she and Phil start to unpack the basket. Phil's hair is fluttering in the wind and when his concentration is elsewhere he looks almost peaceful. 

Dan stands to the side with his arms crossed, feeling useless. Maybe he's distancing himself when he promised himself not to. But honestly, his life feels like a shitshow at the moment. He ends up disappointing himself all the time and Phil being a dick isn't really helping. Why does he do this to himself? It's not like he enjoys feeling miserable. It's just that procrastinating is the easier option. But it's the one that comes back to bite him in the ass every time.

Louise sits down on the blanket and helps the two set out the food. He's never been good with people, he decides. Louise looks his way and gives him a look, he shakes his head indecisively. She raises her eyebrows, then pats the blanket beside her. He sways his head to the side snorting, despite that he still walks up slowly to sit down on the blanket.

He tunes in to Louise's and Laura's conversation with one ear. "How lovely, have you made this yourself?" Louise wonders as she inspects the food. Her eyes seem to twinkle at the sight. Dan won't lie, the food looks good so he doesn't blame her.

"Oh no, I'm not really a good cook, Phil's the one who's been preparing the food. Oh and that reminds me, here Dan," she places a plastic box in front of him "this one's for you, it's vegan since we have a grilled chicken salad for the rest of us". 

"Thank you," He mumbles. Feeling touched once again by the thoughtfulness. 

"Thank Phil, he's the one that asked me for some good vegan recipes, plus he made it," Dan looks over at Phil who's seemingly occupied with unpacking. It appears he hasn't heard what she said because not even a muscle has twitched on his face. He still bears that frown that makes him somehow look so much younger than he should. Dan wipes the frown from his own face when he looks back at Laura.

"Maybe I will later." 

-

Laura holds up her fork with a piece of salad and chicken. She seems to be deep in thought. Dan wonders what she's thinking about. All of a sudden she points her fork at Dan and Louise.

"So... how's your couple life going?" she wonders as she delicately eats the food of her fork. Dan looks over at Louise. The look of shock is soon replaced with laughter. They're laughing so much that tears are forming at their lashes. Dan is pointing dumbly at Louise's face which is scrunched up in a burst of silent laughter, she's gasping for air and waving her hands. 

"Did I misinterpret?" Laura says, looking confused. Phil rolls his eyes at her fondly but doesn't say anything. Dan can't help but look at Phil and feel... jealous. He knows he's told himself to stop comparing his and Laura’s relationship to Phil but it's near impossible. She just seems to know just what he thinks by a look. And somehow Dan finds he wants that. He wants to have a special someone that knows the ins and outs of him as if it were their own. Instead, it's as if his heart is locked in, forever wandering, longing for the freedom and time he knows he so desperately craves but tries to resist with every move of his body. As if he by his actions tries to chain himself, stuck to his safety in a self-destructive way.

He's envious of the way Phil smiles at Laura, the way she treats her like she's his old beloved someone. Dan doesn't need to be his beloved friend but he'd like Phil to care enough about him to reach out. To have some contact with his roommate would be nice. He's tired of feeling this way. Tired of Phil. Maybe he just needs to sleep on it? His mind all of a sudden feels worn out. He looks over at Louise and is instantly filled with a bit of warmth when he recollects what Laura asked them.

When Louise has gathered herself enough she says "we're not together, I'm married with kids and he's living the glamorous single life". She pats Dan on the back. Dan does an awkward thumbs up. Great, now Phil knows that about him too. Just great...

"Oh," Laura says then smiles a little. "I'm sorry for misinterpreting your relationship... despite that, I hope you liked the food." she declares swiping out her arm. She switches the topic of the conversation in such a smooth way that everyone around them just seems to sink back a little. There's no second-hand embarrassment, Dan finds, just a tepid wind playing with his hair, tickling his forehead. He leans back a little on his hands.

"I did, thank you Laura," Louise smiles. Dan nods and mumbles "it was really good."

-

"Hey, Dan, by the way, could I get your number?" Laura has left the spot next to Phil to walk alongside Dan. Louise has already gone separate ways with the group to catch a bus. So Dan's feeling a bit left out again. It takes a second for him to process what she's just said. Does... does she think he fancies her? If faith really is a thing he hopes this isn't his. 

"Um, I don't-" He starts, feeling a rush of panic pressure his chest. She's been a great friend thus far and he'd like it to stay that way.

"If you ever need some advice," she says and smiles, her hands stuffed in her pockets.

"Oh," He blinks dumbly. Maybe he misunderstood her intention. He really can't be sure... He really hopes she isn't trying to cheat on Phil with him. Even if Phil is mean he wouldn't wish that upon him. But on the other hand, he could just tell her no if she tried. Plus he kind of needs someone to talk to and Laura seems like she'd be good at advice...

"Yeah sure, I might need that actually," he says. She just nods and her gaze goes outwards, where Phil's walking.

"Figured, whether it's Phil or work or whatever I'll be there," So... probably only good intentions? It sounds like it, Dan decides. He has to be able to trust the people in his life, and it seems like she is becoming one of them.

He's trying to hide the fact that he's actually really touched by her offer. But he suspects it quite noticeable in his voice anyway.

"I- Laura... thanks." She salutes him then, before sprinting up to join Phil again.


	9. Vital little white lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: phuzzyphan

Dan grabs a mug from the top shelf and pours some coffee into it. Phil's reading a newspaper with a cup of coffee and a half-eaten piece of toast in front of him. He looks up when Dan sets down the mug on the kitchen island. 

"Good morning," he mumbles but he doesn't sound like he implies it. Dan grunts in return and takes a sip. He woke up feeling like his brain is a little bit too big for his head. It's not a nice feeling, like all of the weight has been put on his shoulders. He shrugs it off, though, trying to ignore it the best he can. He hopes the coffee will clear the fog.

"Not really," he says belatedly. Phil's quiet for a moment until he, to Dan's surprise, says something. Dan had been too busy thinking through their latest interactions to be prepared. 

"How come?" Phil wonders. With a sceptic look, Dan peers over the rim of his cup. Phil doesn't meet his eyes though. He wonders if Phil really cares, or if he's just asking to be polite. Not that polite is his thing really. But what does he know- maybe Phil's trying? Maybe he's just really rusty, like Laura said? Or... maybe Laura makes up excuses for him.

"Lunch with Mum," he says, shrugging his shoulders helplessly. He'd rather not have said that, but it slipped out of his mouth before he could stop it. He guesses the anxiety has left him nervous and the relief of talking to someone makes his brain lose all sense of restrictions. It's like letting off steam of emotion into the air, smoke signals. Not that Phil seems to be able to read them though. He seems to ignore all emotions.

"And that's... bothering you?" Phil frowns, looking like he highly doubts it. 

"She's not the number one person I'd like to meet... at the moment" Dan admits. Phil doesn't say anything, instead taking a sip of coffee. Dan finds himself being irritated by the way Phil slurps loudly. He's not sure if Phil's doing it on purpose or if he's just extra sensitive today.

"Are you lunching out in the city?" Phil asks distractedly, he seems to be thinking.

"Yeah," Dan mumbles. He wonders why Phil is asking him so many questions all of a sudden.

"You could come with me, I'm driving in today at twelve, figured you'd maybe want to avoid taking the local bus?" Phil says putting down the newspaper and taking the last sip of his coffee. Dan shakes his head. He's far too irritated with Phil to want to sit with him on a ride into the city. Dan doesn't know if this is Phil's way of apologizing but Dan doesn't care. Phil can feel a little remorse for all Dan cares. 

"I'm fine," Dan says shortly.

"Suit yourself," Phil mutters.

-

His mother smiles carefully as though she's afraid she might upset him. "Dan, how have you been?" He looks down at the food, playing around with it with his fork. 

"Fine," he mutters without meeting her eyes. "I... I've moved apartments," he says, sounding a bit deflated. She furrows her eyebrows, looking like a million questions suddenly have gathered on her tongue, ready to fly out like birds of passing. Before she has time to set them free he quickly mentions "I've got a flat...mate" his tone is unsure but she seems happy with the answer. 

Even if it's only a half-truth, he thinks it's safer not mentioning the part about him living in a mansion. At least he wasn't lying when he said he doesn't live alone now.

She relaxes her shoulders and a pleased smile flies in over her face and lands. "Great! Then she'll take care of you!" He stiffens looking up at her with wide-open eyes. The second he realises he wipes off the look of dread on his face. She can never know, he realises. Well, he knew that before, but this really sets it in stone. He tries to calm down despite his every instinct to run.

"He, and I can take care of myself," he says shortly, his voice sounds cold and distant. Like fear has stripped all emotion out of his voice. He doesn't recognise it. He shakes his head lightly, trying to make the pressure of fear over his heart go away.

She doesn't seem to notice any of this, and- well, if she did, she didn't remark on it. "Oh," she says laughing, she pats him on his hand distractedly over the table. It's an awkward distancing sort of laugh that makes him feel like she’s forged bars around him to keep him away. Just to make herself feel safe.

He looks up at her, his eyes shifty before he stabs a piece of chicken with his fork. Anything to keep himself from talking anymore with her.

-

Dan throws himself on the bed, dropping his head back over his crossed arms. When he shifts his head to the side his eyes catch on letters on his bedside table. He stares at them for a moment debating whether to reach for one or not. He's not sure he wants to uncover his past again. After all, he's trying to put everything behind himself to start fresh.

But then again, he should try... Because if he keeps avoiding it, it will always be there in the back of his mind. He sighs and stretches for the letter on top. It's a small white letter, quite discreet looking. He rips it open carefully and fishes up the note inside. The moment he recognises the handwriting he smiles a little.

It's a letter from Nana. Instead of reading it, he unlocks his phone and scrolls until he finds her number. He lays back in the bed and waits for her to answer.

"Nana?" he starts when the line begins soughing and the buzz of people talking leak into his ear. There's a moment before she answers. She has a soft, calm voice resembling the serenity of the sea when the air is still.

"Dan, honey? I haven't heard from you for a while, how have you been?" In the background, among the buzz of people talking there's someone shouting numbers. He tries to ignore it and figures she's just out and about.

"I'm doing well Nana, I've moved, and I have a roommate now," he says, his voice going soft at the sound of her voice. He props himself up against the wall in waiting for her approval.

"Are they treating you well?" She asks sternly and he can almost picture her expression as she does. Phil hasn't really been the best roommate he could wish for, but he hasn't exactly been awful, either. He also offered Dan a place to sleep without him having to pay whatsoever... So a small lie doesn't hurt, right? He doesn't want Nana to worry for him. It wouldn't do any good.

"Yes, Nana" he laughs. Feeling awful for lying but somehow giddy for talking to her. It's been way too long. 

"He offered to drive me today, his name's Phil actually," he offers because that's something remotely nice Phil's actually done. That's not a lie.

"Oh, he sounds lovely dear! Now then, what was it you were wondering?" she asks, and Dan holds his breath. 

"I just wanted to check in on you," he mumbles, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes.

"Don't worry yourself about me, dearie, I'm having a bingo night with some girlfriends." He falls back onto the bed again. She sounds like she's really enjoying her evening.

"Good!" He smiles warmly, studying the ceiling leaned against the phone to make sure he hears her next answer.

"Oh, wait a second would you, Dan, they just said seven," she says appearing distracted. 

"It's okay Nana, I'm gonna leave you to it," he can't help but smile to himself as he ends the call. There's always something about Nana that makes his whole chest feel warm. 

"Have a good night dear."


	10. Assemble together the pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta: phuzzyphan

Dan has made ten frappuccinos today, he puts down the cup, and this is the eleventh. Louise is talking in the background and he listens to her as he makes the drinks. "I was thinking of grabbing ice creams after work, you see I'm the one picking up today - so I thought I'd earn myself some extra mum points." 

Dan looks at her over his shoulder as she's cleaning one of the machines. "Sounds good." He enjoys hearing small anecdotes about her private life. It makes him feel like he has a bigger part in her life. As if he was a childhood friend or a brother. 

He wishes he was more talkative, but instead he lets her do the talking. He doesn't really have any fun stories that he'd like to mention, that or any close friends or family. And he doesn't really enjoy talking about himself. 

He asks if the customer wants a receipt and when they're gone he exhales. Through the door, a breeze slinks in and ruffles his hair lightly. It's been quite a nice day. Despite the air being chilly, the occasional winds have been warm on his cheek. 

He's found comfort in working with Louise and, on the days he has to spend with Jimmy and Eddie, he finds himself missing her. She's always pleasant to work with, and he enjoys listening to whatever she has to say.

-

When the bus rolls in him he sees that it's the same bus driver who talked to him the first couple of days of him moving in. The door glides open and the driver greets him. Dan nods in return.

"Is it the manor you've moved into?" he asks curiously and Dan smiles a little. The bus driver is an old man with rosy cheeks. He looks like a character from a children's book.

"Yes," he nods, and the man's eyes glimmer a little as his eyebrows raise somewhat.

"That's quite a big accomplishment, being roommates with Phil Lester," the man says then. Dan gives a start, looking over at him with a frown before nodding confusedly. He's not sure what the man meant by that.

"Have a great day," he waves as Dan steps past, only to tumble into his seat, rather unsteadily. That was certainly strange. But maybe Phil's a recognized local? Which doesn't really make sense seeing as Dan's hardly seen him going outside. Maybe it was that the bus driver was remarking on? Was he making fun of Phil? Dan couldn't tell. But he feels oddly defensive suddenly...

-

When Dan steps into the hall, he perceives a voice from the kitchen. It must be Phil's, he thinks as he pulls off one shoe. A scent of coffee is lingering in the air and Dan wonders if this is Phil's third cup today. 

All morning he seemed nervous and jittery. And when Dan was off to work he could still see Phil pacing back and forth in the kitchen window. Dan's not sure if it's from the caffeine or nerves, maybe it's a combination? Maybe Phil drinks coffee compulsively when he's high-strung? Dan hasn't seen Phil leave the house since they picnicked in his backyard and, even before that he wasn't really for the outdoor lifestyle. So it might have to do with his book? 

Dan's quite curious as to what it is Phil's writing. Or maybe what type of genre he favours the most. 

Dan has always liked feel-good books- when he reads he wants to disappear from this world and into the books. Fantasy novels are also a strong competitor. He guesses he really likes being transported to other worlds. And maybe being able to live another person’s life for a second? Maybe he's just hiding the fact that his life just isn't what he wants it to be from himself?

The closer he steps, he can discern that it's indeed Phil who's talking, and he sounds less than happy. Dan stands in the doorframe peeking into the kitchen area. Phil's standing with his back to Dan with a phone pressed to his ear. Dan stays in the background, he can't help his own curiosity.

"In two weeks? No. Why won't you ever listen to me?" Phil says through his teeth. "This is not okay, Martyn, I'm my own person and I have my own life, you can't just expect me to squeeze you into my timetable at any given moment." He brushes his hand through his hair agitatedly. He looks stressed, back hunched.

"No- Did you just hang up on me, I never said it was okay!" Phil yells, rubbing his face with his hand tiredly. He doesn't seem to have noticed Dan quite yet. He lowers the phone. 

Before Dan has time to walk away Phil turns around and his eyes lock onto Dan's. He doesn't look pleased. In fact, he looks quite cross.

"Haven't your parents ever taught you not to eavesdrop on other people’s private conversations?" he says firmly. He slams down his phone onto the kitchen island.

"Who was it?" Dan asks, ignoring what Phil just said. He's not about to let this go. Maybe he'll have to involve himself in Phil's business if he wants to get to know Phil. And at least he's talking to Phil now. Even if it isn't what he really wants to talk about, at least it’s something. Laura would be proud.

Phil sits down defeated, and in a deflated manner he grumbles "my brother."  
"He's coming to visit in two weeks, I told him I've got work but he never listens". Dan wasn't expecting that at all, he wasn't even expecting a one-word response. Maybe just some growling and Phil throwing daggers. But he just deflated like a saggy old balloon? Phil must really be frustrated... Or maybe Dan's being too harsh? He really can't decide.

"I'm sorry about tha-" Dan says because he's feeling a bit accountable. He usually doesn't behave like this. Maybe Phil’s bringing out the worst of him?

"Doesn't matter," Phil says, looking like he's on the brink of walking away.

"Do you really have work though?" Dan questions, all he sees Phil doing is writing, sleeping and cooking dinner. Dan can't imagine Phil squeezing in any physical work. He refuses to count Phil's fingers in, he's barely heard them moving over the keyboard. Dan hasn't actually seen Phil do anything other work-related than writing.

"Can't you take a moment to spend with your brother?" He offers. In this scenario, he's actually on Phil's brother's side. He would feel sorry for Phil if it wasn't for him being a bit of a twat. Maybe he's just taking the piss out of Phil. Or maybe he's being awful.

"What part of 'I have work' don't you understand?" Phil snaps.

"He's your family," Dan points out. Phil seems to isolate himself from the world- maybe having his brother visiting wouldn't be so bad.

"Well-" Phil starts his face contorted in an angry grimace. But for some reason, he abruptly freezes and the wrinkles smooth out again. He slouches, looking nothing but tired. 

"I can't change my working hours, Dan, I'm not the one who decides". Dan wasn't expecting him to give him a reasonable answer. He wasn't even sure if Phil would answer the question. And what does he mean by him not being the one in control? It's his book, shouldn't he get to decide his own working hours. It's not like anyone's stopping him?

"It's your book," Dan mumbles. His gaze flicks up to Phil. He's curious what his answer will be. Was he lying all this time to avoid his own brother?

"This has nothing to do with my book." Phil looks over at him. The tired expression clashes with him being overly dressed up. It's like two worlds are crashing into one. Phil's always so well-groomed and his haggard expression doesn't suit it. It looks like he's going to a fancy dinner worn to the bone.

Dan doesn't know what to say so he stays quiet. But Phil seems talkative all of a sudden. He opens his mouth looking a bit unsure at first. "I do other things than writing- Dan, I have to work extra as well!" he throws up his hands. "I'm not made of gold!"

"I didn't say that," Dan mumbles defensively.

"You implied it," Phil grunts sourly.

"Well, how am I supposed to know when you never ever tell me anything about yourself. You didn't even bother to tell me you have a brother?" Dan exclaims. Maybe he's being unfair but he doesn't care at the moment. He's cross with Phil and he's tired of how he acts. So maybe this wasn't what Laura meant when she said 'talk to him.'

Phil looks like he's going to say something then he exhales. "Look, I didn't mean to take this out on you, it's my brother who riled me up. He always does this, he knows just what buttons to press. But, now you know- I have a brother, no other siblings.

Dan stares tenaciously at the island as Phil walks up to the doorframe and shifts his body to look at Dan. He can feel Phil's eyes boring into his back. "Dinner is in the fridge, you can microwave it if you want... Night."


	11. A date with a dog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: phuzzyphan

Dan looks out through the window into the darkening outside world. Phil isn't home tonight, it seems. He isn't in the kitchen, and he wasn't answering when Dan called his name...

Dan guesses he'll have to make his own dinner. He realises he's become quite dependent on being served home-cooked dinner nearly every evening. Suddenly, he feels guilty for being unfair to Phil. He told himself not to stoop to Phil's level and yet it seems he has. Somehow all he does is disappoint himself. But maybe that's part of the process of bettering himself? He sure hopes so.

It's gotten quite late as Dan tries to decipher a recipe for some sort of soup. He's put a pot with water on the stove so far. That's about as far as he's come when his phone rings in his back pocket. He leans against the stove as he answers.

"Hello?" The line is silent for a moment before it crackles.

"Dan, hi, it's Laura," He instantly picks up the stressed tone of her voice.

"Oh, are you... having a good evening?" he asks slowly, not wanting to come on too strong. Maybe Laura doesn't want to talk about it? Maybe that wasn't even why she called? Maybe he's overthinking this? He's definitely overthinking it.

"Actually, that was kinda what I wanted to talk about." she proceeds to say. "You see, I'm in the middle of work but my dogsitter just called in sick, so I'm kind of in a pickle. Could you handle dogsitting- just for the evening?" she quickly adds. "I promise she's very kind and calm, you won't have any problems! I can take a tiny amount of time off to drive her to you, are you in?" she wonders. So that's why she sounded off. Dan feels a bit baffled by her trusting him enough for this responsibility. He guesses Laura usually calls Phil about these things. But then again, Phil's... out?

Curious to know more about the dog, he starts to think up questions to ask. "Yeah, sure. Um, what kind of breed is she?" He thinks he'll be okay with babysitting a dog. He's got experience since his parents got a family dog.

"Oh, she's a golden retriever, and the best one there is!" He can hear that she's smiling through the receiver. He snorts under his breath.

"I'm sure all owners could affirm that about their own."

"You might be right, Dan but that doesn't take away the fact that _she's_ the best." He does trust her, but if that dog does a 180 on him when Laura turns her back he won't know what he'd do. Hopefully, it'll all work out well.

"So you're in? Just checking a second time to be sure," she says, and brings him back from his thoughts.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be happy to have her, does she need to be fed or anything?" he wonders, subtly eyeing his own food being prepared.

"Oh no, I'll make sure to feed her before she gets here. So, I'll see you in maybe half an hour?" she asks.

"Okay." He nods to himself.

"See you!" She smiles.

Dan closes the cookbook hastily, he needs to start cooking before the dog gets here so he can watch her more meticulously. He flings open the pantry door, eyes following the rows. He stretches and grabs a canned good, twisting his hand to the side to read the label. To his surprise and delight, it's a broth mixture for soups. Who would've thought Phil to have this in his pantry when he makes everything by hand? Or, at least- he has been when Dan's been home.

There's a recipe on the side of the can. He finds that it's a bit easier to follow.

As the soup begins to simmer, there's a knock at the door. He cracks his fingers as he moves to open it. Not too surprisingly, he's met with Laura's big grin. As he looks past her it appears to be raining, huh- he hadn't even noticed.

Beside Laura, a handsome golden retriever steps forth. She has big kind eyes and her fluffy fur is shining golden in the light. Laura is fashionably clothed as always, with a sheer raincoat over her clothes and a blue headscarf. Dan stands a little indecisively, not sure what to do as she closes the door behind herself.

"Good evening," she says and Dan nods. She's brought with her a fresh gust of evening air.

"So, Dan this is Laputa, I promise she's very-" She starts swiping out her hand in her dog's direction. Dan cuts her off mid sentence.

"Laputa- as in a Studio Ghibli reference?" he says giddily.

He catches her off guard, but she quickly comes back a wide smirk registering on her face. "Fellow cultured kid, I see!"

He laughs at that and she smiles. They both stare at Laputa for a moment as she walks about the hall, sniffing an umbrella stand and various plants. Then Laura pulls back her sleeve to check her clock, only to exclaim a tad agitated "Oh- I'm so sorry, I have to go, but you'll be fine?” she muses as she looks up. He nods shortly, crossing his arms over his chest.

Laura looks over at her dog one last time before she pulls down the handle "Laputa, be nice to Uncle Dan, will you?" They both look Laputa's way and she stares back at them from the hall, barking happily.

"Seems she'll be alright, have a good evening Dan, will you, bye!" and then she's off into the cold evening air.

-

Dan wonders what Laura is doing this evening. He wonders if she works extra somewhere other than being Phil's manager. He realises he doesn't actually know much about her. But she's made him feel like they're close friends already. He shakes his head at himself feeling a bit silly for thinking they're close.

He pours in the broth, watching it for a while before letting it do its own thing. His eyes stray to the clock, it's late. His phone suddenly buzzes in the back of his pocket and he almost has a mild heart attack in surprise. He looks out of the window to see if he can see headlights in the darkness of the outside world but he sees nothing. Maybe Laura forgot something but then he'd probably see her.

He leans his back against the kitchen island to read the message. He fishes up his phone between his index finger and thumb. When the screen lights up he expects to see a message from Laura, but it's not her at all. It's a message from Marvyn. He stares at it for a moment in disbelief. Did he really just hand out his number to someone he just met? He must've, clearly, the proof is in his hands. He reads the message under the name.

_Hi, Dan, it's Marvyn from the party... would you mind meeting me at Sydney's at eight this Friday?_

Dan frowns, pursing his lips. Why would Marvyn want to meet him this Friday? Does he want to just talk over a beer, or? It's a date, the voice in the back of his mind whispers teasingly. He crinkles his nose. Surely not... But what if it is? He thinks back to Maryvn's blue eyes and silver locks. Then he smiles, feeling a bit humiliated, cheeks a little hot. He dares send a risky question back.

_As a date?_

He knows they've already kissed, but what is exchanging saliva really worth compared to a date? Dan doesn't even know the guy... Maybe he's just looking for a one night stand. So what if he really wants it to be a date? Is a bit of vulnerability so much to ask for?

_Oh didn't I write that? Oh, this is embarrassing... Yes meant to ask you out on a date, if you'd fancy of course_

Dan's heart beats and he chews nervously on his bottom lip, twisting a loose curl tightly around his finger. He must look stupid right now, and if Phil saw him he'd probably comment something rude about him. Like why he wears that daft expression. But that can't help but give the empty kitchen a smile that radiates pure excitement.

_I'd love to_

He sends back, watching over the screen as Laputa trips in over the kitchen floor with a curious look in her eyes. She watches Dan for a moment before deciding to come forth, nudging her head against Dan's closed fist. Dan looks down, his expression melting into something softer. Dogs really are something extraordinary. He pets her, lets his finger brush through the sandy curls on the nape of her neck, absorbing the warmth she has to offer. She looks up at him and it almost looks like she smiles, he thinks. She makes an air of comfort surround the kitchen and he relaxes a little. When he looks back at his phone Marvyn has answered his message.

_Then it's a date!_


	12. Sleepovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beta: phuzzyphan

Dan has made a bowl of soup when Phil comes home at one in the morning. He's wearing a black button-down jacket and circles under his eyes. "How come you're home so late?" Dan asks as he's guiding a spoon of soup into his mouth. He's expecting a cranky answer or maybe a side-eye. They're not really off on a good foot.

"I didn't know you kept track," Phil mutters as he takes off the jacket. He's definitely cranky. And his voice is creaking like a haunted forest. He looks like he's been worked to the bone. Which is bizarre to see, as he's often so clean-cut. Dan is interested as to what he's been up to. He never took Phil for the late nightwalker. But Dan doesn't say anything, afraid if he opens his mouth he's going to say something dumb. Or something that is going to further the growing rift in between them.

"I... have an extra job," Phil offers at length. Phil's little cake crumbs of a conversation make him brave another question.

"What type of job?" Dan questions as he hops up on the counter, continuing to eat his soup. Phil shrugs his shoulders, looking in another direction. He walks over to the chair to sit down.

Laputa trips in over the stone floor and places her head in Phil's lap. "Hi Lappie," he says softly before looking up at Dan, there's a tendril of softness left in his eyes and it jars Dan's heart to a stop. It feels wrong seeing it there knowing it wasn't meant for him and somehow wanting just that. Wait, what? Did he just think that? He shrugs his head inwardly, laughing under his breath.

"Has Laura been here?" he wonders idly. Dan nods slowly, furrowing his brows.

"She asked me to watch this doggo." He walks up to scratch her behind the ears. She woofs happily.

"I should've thought about that, of course, she wouldn't be able to take her on set" he mumbles, staring into Laputa’s eyes but seemingly being in deep thoughts, his eyes unfocused.

"On set??" Dan wonders, raising his eyebrows.

"Oh nothing, manager business, I'm... not allowed to tell." Phil quickly brushes off. That was apparently forbidden inquiry. He wonders if Laura would tell him if he asked. Is Phil just keeping things away from him on purpose? Dan figures he's entitled to his privacy...

"Oh," Dan whispers. He's still a bit hurt by it, but he's gone over it too many times.

"But... we might have to watch her a little longer than intended. Laura has a tendency to be late- well, if you'd asked her she'd have said something along the lines of her being an optimist... with infinite dreams." Phil says all the while talking, petting Laputa who's leaned her head against his leg.

"...Wait, you're gonna help me watch her?" Phil stares at him like he's dumb. His cheeks are a hint of pink, probably from the cold outside, Dan deems.

"Well, of course, do you think I'd miss out hanging with my Lappie?" He turns his attention entirely to the dog "I know, Lappie, father’s been gone so long, have you missed me, you're such a good girl!" Phil coos. Dan just stares, looking at this alien version of Phil. 

It feels a bit like being sucker punched in the stomach, falling through the air. He's never seen Phil behave like this... as if he was capable of other feelings than rage. It's honestly a relief to not see the familiar prominent frown fork valleys in his face. But it makes Dan somehow feel like third-wheel yet again. He swallows.

"I... well, I guess I never expected you to be a dog person... much less an animal lover," Dan mutters. Phil's hands come to a stop and he stiffens, eyes shifting to Dan. His eyes are cool like ice, freezing cold and blue.

"Well I guess you assumed wrong," Phil says sharply. The slight twitch in the corner of his mouth and the way he clenches his jaw makes Dan feel more and more discouraged. Sometimes it feels like there's no point in even trying to make conversation with Phil.

"Okay, so tell me, how long have you known Laura's dog?" Dan says, trying to turn over a new leaf.

"7 years," Phil mutters, only looking at the dog. Suddenly Dan can't help but feel irritated with Phil and his best friend’s stupid dog. An ugly feeling twists in his chest. Despite himself, he continues asking questions about her. It seems it's the only way to make Phil talk.

"And how old is she?"

"She's 7. I bet I have a photo of her somewhere..." Phil says looking around the kitchen.

"Oh, it's fine, you don't have to dig it up," Dan says quickly. The counter top's edge is digging into his lower back and he finds his biting down too hard because he's jaw aches as he lets go.

"No worries, I have it on my phone." And he does, the little screen shows a tiny golden retriever looking up at the camera.

"Oh wow, she was tiny," he mumbles. His voice goes a little soft against his will. It's hard not to when seeing a small puppy. Laputa was truly adorable as a puppy.

"Yeah, mummy was so worried over you, wasn't she," he says talking to Laputa. He scratches her with a smirk.

"But she grew up," Dan says shortly, fed up with Phil ignoring him yet again.

"She did..." Phil says, sounding like he's suddenly deep in thought. Dan looks at him, the raven black hair - that's for once not moulded into a quiff - is brushed messily over his forehead.

"How long have you known Laura?" He says so quietly it's almost a whisper.

"I... I can't even remember when I didn't know her" his eyes look unfocused as he stares straight forward. "She means everything to me," Phil adds.

"Oh, it must be a heavy burden to be that loved," Dan mutters with a half-smile. But it looks sadder than he intended and his heart does this sort of sad thud against his chest. He's puzzled by it but chooses to ignore it.

Phil looks over at Dan, deep into his eyes. It's the first time he's looked at Dan like this, in a long while. Actually, probably ever, he thinks. 

"I think it's been twelve years since she stumbled into my life. It was quite a different time." he offers, somehow this comment sounds more sincere than the others. Maybe it's because Phil's heavy gaze rests upon him? Suddenly it's uncomfortable having this much contact. Much too intimate for Dan's liking.

"I bet," he says, downcasting his eyes before looking up again. He's curious for what Phil's answer might be to his next question. "Do you ever plan on marrying?"

Phil looks away and Dan thinks to himself, now he got too close and Phil is uncomfortable. Before Dan can say anything Phil stands up, mumbling something like "I think I need to change Laputa's water bowl, I'll be back".

Dan trips after Phil. His heart is beating in his ears.  
"Phil? Do you even want to be my friend?"

Phil turns around looking confused, one of his eyebrows quirked "... Have I said otherwise?"

But Dan isn't having it, he's done with Phil's fucking games. "Stop. Stop with your need to always complicate every single conversation we have. Just answer my question."

Phil looks a bit taken aback before he recomposes himself and grumbles "Guess I didn't know it meant that much to you." He's got his back turned to Dan and Dan's unable to see his expression. Dan just stands there helplessly in the background, feeling out of place.

"You're already my friend, if you weren't you wouldn't be having a sleepover with me," he says leaving the kitchen.

"What do you mean with a sleepover?" Dan mumbles, bewildered, but Phil's already left and it feels like he's talking to himself once more. He walks after Phil reluctantly.

-

"You know what a sleepover is, don't you?" Phil questions, his back turned to Dan as he pulls out bed sheets from a cabinet.

"Well, yeah..." Dan says almost more to himself than to Phil. The irritation settles in his eyebrows and leaves him frowning.

"Well, I can't leave Laupta alone, that's why we're having one," Phil states like it's a matter of fact. He sounds so nonchalant.

"What do you mean?" Dan says. Phil turns around with a couple of pillows in his hands. His hair is swept back and the light of the lamps reflect mesmerizingly in his black hair.

"Last time I left her downstairs she snacked on the fruits in the kitchen and wouldn't stop howling," Phil explains and Dan can't resist the pull at the corner of his mouth.

"Yeah?" he says, crossing his arms, a glimpse of amusement present in his eyes. "Laura said that Laputa was such a well-behaved lady!" Phil snorts at that rolling his eyes.

"Well, that's because I never leave her alone." He looks so fond Dan thinks as he watches Phil. "She usually sleeps in my bed, she's real spoiled - bet that's our fault." Oh yeah, right, Dan thinks, Laputa must love sleeping in Laura’s and Phil's bed. She must be like their little child. A feeling he can't place churns in his stomach but he pushes it aside. 

"But she won't be sleeping in your bed tonight?" Dan questions, already planning on hauling his tired bones up the stairs and into his room, maybe he could indulge in a hot bath in the middle of the night when the stars are the only thing visible from the window. 

Dan has done it one time before, bathed at four in the morning when he couldn't sleep. So he crept out of bed and sneaked into the bathroom just next to his room. It's a remarkably big room with white tiles coating the floor and a huge window out into the land behind Phil's house, showing rows and rows of marvellously huge trees. 

The first time he made sure to close the door tightly before starting the tap. Then he sat in a fetal position on top of the toilet, watching as the tub filled. He'd turned off all lights, afraid it would somehow make him seeable from the woods. 

Plus he felt guilty for giving himself some me time. He really hoped Phil didn't wake up. Back in his apartment, something like this would've never been acceptable. 

He feels a bit bold as he walks forth and turns off the tap. The surface of the water is perfectly still only disturbed by the single droplets from the faucet. Dan looks up and out into the sky. It's a breathtaking view, he's never seen the stars this close and this clearly. It leaves him struck by something he's never felt before... Almost gratitude but not exactly... He can't really put it to words. 

He blinks himself back to reality, looking at Phil who seems quite weirded out by Dan's question, his eyebrows are furrowed. "No, that'd be weird, where would you sleep?" he says. 

Dan frowns, shaking his head a little in confusion. "In my bed?" Phil looks at him blankly at first until he blushes. Dan's too focused on going to bed to notice. But his eyes shift back to Phil when he coughs discreetly "well... I thought we said we were having a sleepover?" 

"That's what you said,'' Dan mumbles under breath. Feeling a headache coming on, he unclenches his jaw.

"What?" Phil accuses suspiciously.

"Nothing" Dan mumbles.

-

As Dan skips up the staircase on the way to fetching his duvet, his temples are pounding softly. He's not entirely sure how to feel about the situation. A part of him would rather leave Phil downstairs and claim the softness of his own bed for the night. Yet... he's curious why Phil suggested they'd watch her together when it'd be much more convenient for him to just let Laputa sleep in his bed like he says he usually does. 

He grabs his quilt and hauls it over his shoulder, carrying it down with him. Phil's spread out two sheets on either side of the L-shaped sofa. His side, the shorter side, already has a duvet and pillow. Laputa is sitting beside the sofa observing, her tail wagging.

-

When the lights are low and they're both under their duvets, Phil raises his voice tentatively, saying "I'll be out more often the next couple of months, um- work, so you'll have to fix the food for yourself." Dan can't see his face, only the black hair on his pillow and his forehead, the rest is hidden behind Phil's duvet.

"Oh, I'll be fine," Dan mumbles, his voice hushed. For some reason, the darkness does that to him. But he feels oddly safe here, together with Phil and Laputa.

"Oh- Um alright, I'll still make food, you'll just have to microwave it," Phil mumbles. Dan looks at the talking duvet-Phil and can't help but feel a little warm in his stomach. It just looks so ridiculous.

"Thanks, Phil," he says, a soft smile flashing upon his features for just a moment. Phil's quiet, maybe he'd fallen asleep, Dan reasons. He continues talking to duvet-Phil anyway because it makes him feel less alone.

"You know microwavable food is much better than the food I had before this," He says. "Hah, I used to eat ramen or take-out... and sometimes I wouldn't... at all." Dan falls quiet, he bites his lip. The smile looking blue rather than warm.

Phil brushes back his duvet. His eyes on Dan through the darkness. The piercing eyes that look black in the darkness stab right through Dan. It's in fact very intimidating and Dan fears Phil will tell him to shut up and let him sleep. 

But instead, he says steadily "You don't have to worry anymore." Dan's eyes flicker from Phil's face, not being able to bear to look at him. Instead, he watches Phil's fingers that are so delicately pushing away the duvet from his face. 

Dan swallows, he needs to change the subject quickly before it all comes crashing down and he reveals his deepest darkest secrets. He couldn't risk that with someone like Phil. Phil might be changed for tonight, but tomorrow he's going to continue the way he's always done. And Dan couldn't bear a Phil with extra advantage to use against Dan. It would probably break him.

He opens his mouth. "Laura seems very busy right now, do you know what she's up to?" Phil releases his breath, maybe relieved too that Dan changed the subject, filled the awkward silence with life again.

"She's attending loads of meetings and has a round of phone calls to answer. It's the busiest time for her right now, before Halloween. But she's doing so well, like she always does," He says, and his voice goes soft again. Like it always does when Laura is on his lips. Dan wonders what it'd be like to love someone like that. To be loved by someone like that. Probably horrible and awful... And utterly wonderful.

"I bet you're proud of her," he whispers back. A curl has fallen in front of his eyes but Dan ignores it, focused on Phil.

"You can't even imagine," Phil says genuinely. His eyebrows raise smoothly, a delicate, warm glow present in his eyes. 

"How's it going with your book?" Dan asks, trying to distract himself from the awful feeling welling up in his chest. Wanting what Phil has so badly it feels like someone has ripped out his heart. All this jealousy really doesn't do him any well.

Phil grows quiet at the question. "I'd rather not talk about it." He looks like Dan might've consciously kicked Laputa. Like he'd have such a mean streak in him. Dan can see him grip the duvet firmly as if he's thinking intently. When he speaks a whole nother subject is on his lips.

"I haven't heard- how's work? Any seasonal drinks yet?" There's a dust of hope in his voice as if the possibility of sugary drinks and holiday spirits lure out the child within Phil. 

Dan smooths over the fact that Phil hasn't even been asking until now and plasters on a smile. He just asked as an excuse to change the subject, a little voice tells him. Phil has never cared about you. He brushes the voice away gently. Trust Laura, he tells himself. He wills every little bit of what willpower he has left in his drowsy state.

"It's as it always is. Not yet, I'd say wait one or two more weeks and you'll see." His voice is bland but at least it isn't mean. He counts that as a success. 

"I'll keep that in mind," Phil says.

"Night, Phil," Dan says, burrowing down in his duvet. Phil blinks at him before muttering "alright." 

Dan has fallen asleep when Laputa comes up laying in between them on the rug. Phil sneaks a hand out from under the duvet and pets her. He looks over at Dan's sleeping form.

"The food part, it's really nothing, I promise," Phil mumbles.


End file.
